Thursday, February 26, 2004
flipped through my old poetry journal before i went to bed last night. so strange how struggles of years past can still somehow seem fresh. i used to think that somehow age will deaden passion and life will be easier as an adult. as a teenager, i remember thinking how adult life would be so placid because grownups care about such mundane things. i've technically been an "adult" now for 6 years and i almost long for that sort of existence.
recently i've encountered an alternate reality that provides a handy escape from the concerns of my world. it came a few weeks ago right when there was some seemingly pleasant closure to other stressors in my life. before i had time to think, i jumped onto the next whirlwind in hopes of landing elsewhere. not that anywhere is better than here... i dont' believe that at all. but there's something in what it seemed to promise that appealed to me. there really isn't even good logic behind it. just an inexplicable draw. perhaps its a blessing. perhaps not. can't be sure quite yet. all i know is that its enjoyable. and is that enough? and when this alternative reality threatens to invade reality, do i look for another escape? ever look into two mirrors that are angled just so that the image appears to repeat infinitely? its good that i'm forgetful because it hurts less, but perhaps that makes me more prone to repeat. self-awareness is definitely a good thing, but i think when left unchecked by external circumstances, it can create a false reality that exists only in the realm of the mind. that, i would have to say, is an unhealthy version of an alternate reality.
one of the poems i came across last night talked about a desire for numbness. if nothing else, i am thankful for my amazing ability to choose and execute numbness. (only thing that threatens to steal that ability is people interaction. if only i can master numbness even amidst people and situations... if only...)
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recently i've encountered an alternate reality that provides a handy escape from the concerns of my world. it came a few weeks ago right when there was some seemingly pleasant closure to other stressors in my life. before i had time to think, i jumped onto the next whirlwind in hopes of landing elsewhere. not that anywhere is better than here... i dont' believe that at all. but there's something in what it seemed to promise that appealed to me. there really isn't even good logic behind it. just an inexplicable draw. perhaps its a blessing. perhaps not. can't be sure quite yet. all i know is that its enjoyable. and is that enough? and when this alternative reality threatens to invade reality, do i look for another escape? ever look into two mirrors that are angled just so that the image appears to repeat infinitely? its good that i'm forgetful because it hurts less, but perhaps that makes me more prone to repeat. self-awareness is definitely a good thing, but i think when left unchecked by external circumstances, it can create a false reality that exists only in the realm of the mind. that, i would have to say, is an unhealthy version of an alternate reality.
one of the poems i came across last night talked about a desire for numbness. if nothing else, i am thankful for my amazing ability to choose and execute numbness. (only thing that threatens to steal that ability is people interaction. if only i can master numbness even amidst people and situations... if only...)
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Wednesday, February 25, 2004
"giving You my heart... all that is within... lay it all down, for the sake of You my King... giving You my dreams, laying down my rights, i'm giving up my pride, for the promise of new life..."
i wasn't going to blog today. especially not about him again. i mean, come on. it gets old. but while i was working today, i had my music on. out of no where, this song hits me like a ton of bricks. what is it about music that can flood you with emotions and memories? my first instinct was to turn it off... skip it... move on. but i couldn't. just cause that's a song that sunshine shed light on in sharing it with me doesn't mean i can't have it now that he's gone. it does make me think of him. a year or so ago, he shared this song with me excitedly while he was going through trials and changes in his life. i love the song too.
i hung out with kerri last night and shared with her what has been going on, the conclusions that ensues, and the steps that i'm taking even though they're not my first choice. she was the first person who affirmed my actions and told me that they were pleasing to the Lord. i was so thankful for those words of encouragement. it was good to know that perhaps my pain is pleasing to the Lord. that i had chosen rightly. she did exhort me to really let go... not just let go of what i may be missing in the friendship, but let go even of my concern for what may happen next for them. because it is all in God's hands. it really is. i just have to trust that. and i have to trust that God is good.
so this song... i will listen to again anew, as a prayer of surrender.
"... and i... surrender... all to you... all to you... and i... surrender... all to you... all to you..."
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i wasn't going to blog today. especially not about him again. i mean, come on. it gets old. but while i was working today, i had my music on. out of no where, this song hits me like a ton of bricks. what is it about music that can flood you with emotions and memories? my first instinct was to turn it off... skip it... move on. but i couldn't. just cause that's a song that sunshine shed light on in sharing it with me doesn't mean i can't have it now that he's gone. it does make me think of him. a year or so ago, he shared this song with me excitedly while he was going through trials and changes in his life. i love the song too.
i hung out with kerri last night and shared with her what has been going on, the conclusions that ensues, and the steps that i'm taking even though they're not my first choice. she was the first person who affirmed my actions and told me that they were pleasing to the Lord. i was so thankful for those words of encouragement. it was good to know that perhaps my pain is pleasing to the Lord. that i had chosen rightly. she did exhort me to really let go... not just let go of what i may be missing in the friendship, but let go even of my concern for what may happen next for them. because it is all in God's hands. it really is. i just have to trust that. and i have to trust that God is good.
so this song... i will listen to again anew, as a prayer of surrender.
"... and i... surrender... all to you... all to you... and i... surrender... all to you... all to you..."
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Tuesday, February 24, 2004
on his thirtieth birthday, i made a conscious decision to become a moonless night.
ever make a decision so difficult that it makes your eyeballs hurt? well, the eyeball pain might be more due to the tears shed during the decision making process, but how's that for dramatic effect? actually, as difficult as this decision was, i feel a calm and a peace about it. what doesn't feel so good is that my decision, i feel, is birthed out of a necessity due to someone else's sin. someone who doesn't even acknowledge their sin in this situation... just sees it as "differences" in approach.
isn't that just the way it is with sin? so easy to justify it as mere perspective. how can one argue against that? may i never be in the position to fall pry to the insecurity and jealousy that's robbing me of my best friend. but i'm a woman. sadly, i can emphathize with her.
and it came about that last night, i chose so my best friend didn't have to. but it wasn't an easy choice to give him up. not an easy one at all. but a necessary one, unfortunately. at the moment of the decision, i thought it was the only move i could make... looking back, i have moments of regrets when i imagine a future without my sunshine. will i be able to somehow uphold the optimism i have contracted from him? what will it be like to know that he didn't do everything in his power to preserve what we have? will i be resentful? will this change who we are? forever? these and many other questions i'm even afraid to ponder continue to cross my mind.
never thought it would happen... never thought it would come down to this. on his birthday no less.
on his thirtieth birthday, i lost my sunshine.
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ever make a decision so difficult that it makes your eyeballs hurt? well, the eyeball pain might be more due to the tears shed during the decision making process, but how's that for dramatic effect? actually, as difficult as this decision was, i feel a calm and a peace about it. what doesn't feel so good is that my decision, i feel, is birthed out of a necessity due to someone else's sin. someone who doesn't even acknowledge their sin in this situation... just sees it as "differences" in approach.
isn't that just the way it is with sin? so easy to justify it as mere perspective. how can one argue against that? may i never be in the position to fall pry to the insecurity and jealousy that's robbing me of my best friend. but i'm a woman. sadly, i can emphathize with her.
and it came about that last night, i chose so my best friend didn't have to. but it wasn't an easy choice to give him up. not an easy one at all. but a necessary one, unfortunately. at the moment of the decision, i thought it was the only move i could make... looking back, i have moments of regrets when i imagine a future without my sunshine. will i be able to somehow uphold the optimism i have contracted from him? what will it be like to know that he didn't do everything in his power to preserve what we have? will i be resentful? will this change who we are? forever? these and many other questions i'm even afraid to ponder continue to cross my mind.
never thought it would happen... never thought it would come down to this. on his birthday no less.
on his thirtieth birthday, i lost my sunshine.
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