Friday, October 15, 2004
kind of a somber thought for my birthday, but that was the song i had in my head as i was driving into work today. maybe i have not allowed myself enough down time, truly sad times to rely on the joy of the Lord. maybe in trying to escape pain through avoidance and busying myself with other things, that i'm missing out on the true joy i can find in Him alone.
maybe sadness is a blessing.
in sadness, glimmers of hope and flashes of happiness are more appreciated. continuous elation does not bring the same affect (and the "lows" that follow a state of continuous elation? forget about it) -- its almost like an element of surprise. the unexpected. maybe that's why we all love surprises.
so, i've been sad and lamenting the arrival of yet another year. it seems like each year, fewer people care, and those who do show that they do less and less. maybe i just have unrealistic expectations. that could very well be it. but it sadly makes me feel uncared for yet i also know i shouldn't take it so personally... people have things going on... their own lives to worry about... stuff to do...
i think its the thought of the passing of another year and i'm still alone. and as the years continue to pass me by, i am more and more alone as less and less people share that state of aloneness. i never was the "independent" one... so how is it that i, out of most of my good friends, am the one who's still by myself? i am thankful that i'm not discontent with my singleness in general -- there are just moments when its difficult. in all of that, though, i know that God knows best. and if He knows that aloneness will bring sadness that will make me more aware of my need for Him and Him alone, then who am i to try and fight that?
its funny. even though i would rather not be alone, i have a very real sense of confirmation that this is what God has for me at this point in my life. its a feeling, though, that has a sense of hope attached to it as well. its a hope that if God has so carefully protected and guarded me from various possibilities, how will He not also be the Giver and Provider of good things when He sees fit? this sadness is not of a dispairing sort... but a contemplative, sobering sort.
... today, i am thankful for sadness.... for the assurance that this too, shall pass, and that despite the sad spell, i can see the Son peaking through the dark clouds, and there is hope in the future.
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Thursday, October 14, 2004
the human body is an amazing thing. its day four after the marathon, and i feel almost entirely recovered. even as early as last night, walking downstairs wasn't as bad as i thought it would be. the pain i was feeling on tuesday, though, i was laughing at hal higdon's suggestion that i could possibly run 2 miles today.... but today, i feel up for it. isn't it crazy?
i'm realizing that physical pain is so much easier to deal with than spiritual and emotional pain. the intense soreness i felt in the last few days made me think back to the "emotional soreness" i felt after this past year of ministry (and other personal/emotional struggles) and how hard it was on me. its hard to believe that physically i've already recovered, but emotionally, i'm still raw. i'm still trying to draw out the parallels of that year in ministry and the marathon... and i can start to see some of the connections.
i had the privilege of feeling the "runners high"... even though it was a bit disappointing, i finished. there was a sense of accomplishment in that. with the marathon-like year of ministry, the "end" wasn't really satisfying. really, there is no "end" to ministry... especially in this case. i just kinda "ended" my term in the ministry here because of "burn out." maybe i didn't "train" as well as i did spiritually as i did physically. maybe i didn't take my "spiritual gu." whatever it was, the "run" stunk and i never wanted to "run" again. maybe i was even injured... i'm not quite sure what it would be analogous to. but because i was so hurt, i didn't even bother looking for a "recovery program" to follow, i just flopped onto the couch of spiritual apathy and started eating french fries. to make matters worse, i couldn't even "cross-train." where i would find my strength in cross training (emotional support from close friends), even those avenues were blocked or closed. so, instead of trying to stretch out my relational muscles, i just didn't want to move them for fear of pain.
seeing the parallel of that with my physical soreness helped me to realize how ridiculous that was. i went for a massage on tuesday after the marathon, and sure it was painful cause my muscles were still sore, but it was well needed. the knots needed to be worked out despite how painful the process -- it would help with the healing process in the long run. its interesting too, because the places that usually needed massaging (like my upper back/shoulder area) really didn't require the attention it usually needed because my quads were so sore. relationally, what i typically struggled with (singleness, etc.) wasn't even an issue because my strongest muscle (friendship/relationship) was so sore. yet i didn't realize that my "taking it easy" wasn't really helping with the recovery process, nor preparing me for the next race. i feel antsy because i feel spiritually benched. its been almost a year, and i'm frustrated with how long it has taken that part of me to recover.
i don't want to become this overly sensitive girl who doesn't know how to encourage people anymore because she doesn't feel encouraged. i don't want to respond in neglect because i have felt neglected, or not love because i have not felt loved. that's now how i want to live (that's no way to live!) it goes back to this message i heard a little over a year ago -- am i a spiritual thermometer or a thermostat? i know my personality tend towards a thermometer, a chameleon, but if i'm not going to warm those around me up, i'm only going to get cold reflecting the "chill" around me. it is tiring being a thermostat, though. it requires energy. its hard to turn up the heat if i have nothing fueling my own warmth (but back to the marathon analogy).
i know that i have not been as understanding a friend as usual. i think i have grown much more selfish and self-centered in the last year... and i don't like that change. its as if my muscles have wasted away from a lack of use and i am not who i used to be. trying not to move because i don't want to hurt really is not the smartest way to "recover" if i ever want to be in race-condition again. being self-protective may seem the way to go because it seems "logical" but in the end, it really doesn't help matters.
so... i'll take the advice of a dear friend and "stretch it out" -- whatever that would mean. allow the healing hand of the Master to work out the knots of pain, but also to do my part in regaining mobility, flexibility and strength in those spiritual muscles. i'm taking steps towards that as we speak... i pray that God will numb the pain and quicken the growth. i want back in the game.
... today, i'm thankful that God teaches me lessons through life, and even pain... that He can "inform" it and give it meaning.
...
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Monday, October 11, 2004
my first marathon: the aftermath
completed my first marathon close to 1 pm on 10.10.04. (details of my endurance sports ventures can be found here). i finished it without much stopping (other than needed potty breaks), falling over nor walking (other than through certain dangerous water stops -- path lined with banana peels, hello!). it really was a rush to be running amidst 40,000 other people (who were insane enough to think of actually running 26.2 miles). according to the chicago sun times, there were 33,033 finishers... 13,960 were females. since my chip was not functioning properly, i didn't get correctly "tracked," but according to a cell phone message a friend left me as i crossed the finish line, i think on the voicemail it said 1:13... but i remember seeing 1:08 0r 1:11... don't remember which exactly. according to my own stop watch (which did NOT include the bathroom breaks because i thought standing in line to go potty ought not count towards my time) it was 4:59:34.
my "official" time was botched from the chip... so i went on the listings to see where i would have placed if my chip WAS working. out of the 13,960 women who ran, i would have placed somewhere between 9521 (if i didn't count my potty break, which really would not have been fair since everyone else probably had to potty too... esp. the women who couldn't just find any free tree. did i mention yet how disgusting men could be sometimes? when i was in line for the porta-potty, i wasn't sure if i was disgusted or envious that guys can go just about anywhere) and 9999 (if i were to go with the time of the message left on my cell phone). out of EVERYONE who finished -- not just the women -- i would have probably come in around 26035 -- not too shabby to have finished before about 4000 women and 5000 other people altogether.
funny thing about the chip not working and things not "ranking" correctly is this interesting self-discovery --even though all i had set out to do was finish, i am still preoccupied with when i got in. how i did in comparison to the 40,000 or so other people out there? but shouldn't it be good enough that i finished? i mean, there are so many who didn't even complete the race. why am i still trying to play with the numbers to see where i would have "placed" if the chip were indeed working properly? does the comparison game win out even in this sort of situation?
as i was running, i was praying that God would teach me lessons through this race. the race itself felt good and i was thankful to be healthy and able to finish. when you're out there running with so many other people, there is an odd sense of comradary you feel to those on the course with you... even though they are prefect strangers. when you see unlikely runners in your path -- like an 80 year old man from mexico (mr. arturo something) speeding past me at mile 6 or 7; or overweight mid-life men who i passed while they were hugging their children on the sides with signs for them -- you are just curious about their story. you want to stop and listen (as i saw some who would stop for a photo with their friends) but something inside of you want to just press on and finish. i'm usually much more of a "process" person than i am a "goal" person -- but for the first time i felt the urge to run as fast as i could so i can get this thing over with... not that the process itself was that arduous or painful, but there's something about hitting that finish line that i thought would be magical.
but to be honest, i'm sad to report that there was nothing "magical" after the finish line. i felt like i ran hard, but i didn't run so hard that i was going to fall over. i kinda expected to. i kinda expected to never want to do anything like that again because i would have felt so horrible... but i didn't feel that either. i also wasn't overwhelmed by a sense of accomplishment like i had anticipated. it was just kind of weird feeling of -- wow. that's it? THAT was the culmination of 18 weeks of training? an almost disappointment. a friend of mine told me that my NOT hurting was a good sign, that its probably because i trained well and paced myself well. i surprised myself with the energy and determination that i had left in me to sprint the last .2 miles once i saw the finish line. i wanted to "finish" under 5 hours according to my stopwatch... and i did it... 4:59:34. but so what? and now what?
the unexpected disappointment caused me to reflect on the bigger picture (as usual) and i concluded that running the earthly race will always somehow disappoint. i am all the more confident that heaven is sweeter. if this marathon experience were analogous to the race of life -- of our Christian walk -- then here are a few take-aways:
- people stop to watch you run. its hard to believe that there were so many spectators! its like, how can you be satisfied just watching after an experience like that? last year, after seeing shannon at the finish line was when katy caught the bug to do one the marathon, and talking to a girl last night (who watched us yesterday) also inspired her to want to try it next year. weird to see how people watching you run can make a difference in their lives -- and in yours.
- encouragement matters... even from the most unlikely sources. its sad that we as Christians don't encourage as much as we ought. the Bible is so full of exhortations to encouraged and yet we more often criticize than accept; cut down than lift up. and unfortunately, when we don't fulfill the command to encourage, others will... and they do a pretty good job of it, too. running through boyztown (a pretty flamboyant neighborhood here in chicago) was -- sad to admit -- a lot of fun. cheerful and boisterous. they were very supportive and encouraging of everyone who ran past. even though i do not agree with their lifestyle, i can say that they do acceptance and encouragement well.
- you can push harder than you think. ...i think i learned that when i could sprint the last .2 miles into the finish. it was either that, or when you're so near to the end, you will do anything in your power to get their faster. adrenaline is a fun thing. i wonder, do we want the kingdom THAT bad? do i take "heaven by storm"? if "finishing the race" likens our desire for glory, then why don't i want it as badly as i know i ought?
- just finish, ok? that's all that matters... all along the way, i saw signs that were cute, signs that were encouraging, and signs that were funny but kinda mean. it made me laugh though. one such sign was "there's only 1 winner, and 399,999 losers"... at mile 23, that's not the most encouraging thing to see. but its funny. :o) most people who run marathons aren't in it to "win it." just to finish it... and that's why it boggles my mind why i would care about where i placed within the "finishing." Jesus is the author and perfector (some translation, the finisher) of our faith... so there's our one winner... beyond that, all we can hope for is to be a finisher... a strong finisher at that. it doesn't matter where i placed, it matters that i arrived there in one piece and felt good about the run. and when i get to heaven, i'm sure its not going to matter how many "crowns" i end up getting. that's so not the point. but the reality of my "comparison" attitude has been a good reminder of how i ought to run the race. while pressing on, would i be kind enough to help those who have fallen, and to encourage those around me, every step of the way, even if it means i finish later? how does that translate in the race of faith?
in the end, how much does any of this matter? nice feeling of accomplishment... nice endorphin rush. but in the end, the verse about how "physical discipline profiteth little" continues to haunt me. i can never say i "can't relate" to "race metaphors" in the Bible anymore... i've got a basis from which to understand all of that. now, its application time. what will i do with what i have learned? that will take a bit more pondering....
... today, i'm thankful for the object lessons God has taught me through this training process... i'm hopeful that i can translate that sort of diligence into something that matters more... my spiritual race.
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