Monday, March 08, 2004
"i think, therefore i'm single" -- lizz winstead
my roommate just IMed that to me... i thought it was hilarious... hilarious but true. i think i think too much. as of late, some random (or not so random) events or conversations have contributed to ideas stewing in my mind... not sure what the outcome is just yet...
some recent situations have unmasked some insecurities that i was previously unaware of... well, that's not entirely true... i guess i just wasn't aware of how deep these things ran. when i felt like someone who meant a lot to me had abandoned me for someone very different than me, it made me question my own worth. even though it wasn't someone i was interested in romantically, it nevertheless threw my mind into questioning mode.
like most women, i knew i struggled with body image. i watch what i eat, i try to look good... but for what end? to please others? to illicit the love and attention of men?
random conversation 1: my friend told me that at her small group last night, one of the most beautiful woman there confessed her struggles with self-image and how that's negatively affecting her relationship with her husband. we both wondered how someone who is married -- who has the affirmation of her husband -- would still struggle with that. perhaps its a perfectionism that we women have bred that is unhealthy and self-imposed. the ironic thing is, i am so much the same way. regardless of how many people affirm to me that i'm attractive, for some reason, i don't believe them.
random occurance 2: as i was researching something i'm writing on, i stumbled upon some articles about "true beauty" that got me thinking:
http://www.reviveourhearts.com/radio/today/23133
http://www.reviveourhearts.com/radio/today/23139
http://www.reviveourhearts.com/radio/today/23140
http://www.pdinet.org/sgo/v20no1/beauty.html
at one point, i really believed what proverbs 31 said about how "charm is decietful and beauty is vain, but the woman who fears the Lord, she shall be praised..." but then i started allowing life experiences and situations to dominate and change my mind towards these things instead of holding firm to what is true.
random conversation 2: a friend recently challenged me about whether my "actual theology" is my "stated theology." yeah. that's convicting.
i've even debated with my guy friends about this... and so many of them (even godly ones) mentioned how men are visual creatures, and how that's just the way God had created them (as if that's an excuse was my initial response... then i wonder, what if they're right?). the "proverbs 31 woman" they say, isn't necessarily perscriptive as much as descriptive... and the patriarchs in the bible all married "beautiful women."
much of that challenged my ideas about what it means to pursue beauty. for some reason, beauty is inextricably linked to being desired and loved. and to be honest, i want to be loved and charished. i want to be loved and charished for who i am. purely and simply. not to have to conform to the external standards that some have unrealistically set. a part of me just want to rebel against those standards and say "screw it all..." but then another part of me (oh, i'm such a people pleaser) just feel like i must conform myself to what others deem as valuable or attractive. after all, i do live within a society. i used to think, "well, i don't want a guy who's shallow anyway..." then somewhere along the way unfortunately, i changed my mind without even knowing it.
random conversation 3: my roommate shared with me a comment an older man in her dept said to her in passing (concerning the issue of external beauty). "one thing you can know is that when a guy doens't know what he's looking for, he'll go after the first thing that catches his eye." how sad but true. and really, would i want a guy like that? both my roommate and i would say no, but unfortunately, we want to make sure our bases are covered, so to speak... why not be attractive AND godly?
not that those two things are mutually exclusive, but i can see how for me, they can be. the idea of a quiet and gentle spirit in 1 peter is about meekness and submission. about a calmness before the Lord with who i am and who He has made me to be. when i struggle with discontentment on externals, i think it is diametrically opposed to a spirit that is pleasing to the Lord. whereas i ought to desire to please God rather than men, practically, i live as if i desire to please men rather than God. that, i think, is the biggest problem.
yes... i do want a guy who is attracted to me. i want him to be attracted to my inner character being and the inner beauty of my heart. but i also don't want someone to feel like they're "settling" for the inner beauty to the exclusion of external beauty... especially if it is so important to them. more than any of that, though... i think i want to want (and need to want) to be pleasing to God rather than men.
in yesterday's message, the pastor talked about how we become like what we fix our gaze on... i guess the first step in any of this is to once again refocus our eyes on "the author and perfector of our faith"...
(0) comments
my roommate just IMed that to me... i thought it was hilarious... hilarious but true. i think i think too much. as of late, some random (or not so random) events or conversations have contributed to ideas stewing in my mind... not sure what the outcome is just yet...
some recent situations have unmasked some insecurities that i was previously unaware of... well, that's not entirely true... i guess i just wasn't aware of how deep these things ran. when i felt like someone who meant a lot to me had abandoned me for someone very different than me, it made me question my own worth. even though it wasn't someone i was interested in romantically, it nevertheless threw my mind into questioning mode.
like most women, i knew i struggled with body image. i watch what i eat, i try to look good... but for what end? to please others? to illicit the love and attention of men?
random conversation 1: my friend told me that at her small group last night, one of the most beautiful woman there confessed her struggles with self-image and how that's negatively affecting her relationship with her husband. we both wondered how someone who is married -- who has the affirmation of her husband -- would still struggle with that. perhaps its a perfectionism that we women have bred that is unhealthy and self-imposed. the ironic thing is, i am so much the same way. regardless of how many people affirm to me that i'm attractive, for some reason, i don't believe them.
random occurance 2: as i was researching something i'm writing on, i stumbled upon some articles about "true beauty" that got me thinking:
http://www.reviveourhearts.com/radio/today/23133
http://www.reviveourhearts.com/radio/today/23139
http://www.reviveourhearts.com/radio/today/23140
http://www.pdinet.org/sgo/v20no1/beauty.html
at one point, i really believed what proverbs 31 said about how "charm is decietful and beauty is vain, but the woman who fears the Lord, she shall be praised..." but then i started allowing life experiences and situations to dominate and change my mind towards these things instead of holding firm to what is true.
random conversation 2: a friend recently challenged me about whether my "actual theology" is my "stated theology." yeah. that's convicting.
i've even debated with my guy friends about this... and so many of them (even godly ones) mentioned how men are visual creatures, and how that's just the way God had created them (as if that's an excuse was my initial response... then i wonder, what if they're right?). the "proverbs 31 woman" they say, isn't necessarily perscriptive as much as descriptive... and the patriarchs in the bible all married "beautiful women."
much of that challenged my ideas about what it means to pursue beauty. for some reason, beauty is inextricably linked to being desired and loved. and to be honest, i want to be loved and charished. i want to be loved and charished for who i am. purely and simply. not to have to conform to the external standards that some have unrealistically set. a part of me just want to rebel against those standards and say "screw it all..." but then another part of me (oh, i'm such a people pleaser) just feel like i must conform myself to what others deem as valuable or attractive. after all, i do live within a society. i used to think, "well, i don't want a guy who's shallow anyway..." then somewhere along the way unfortunately, i changed my mind without even knowing it.
random conversation 3: my roommate shared with me a comment an older man in her dept said to her in passing (concerning the issue of external beauty). "one thing you can know is that when a guy doens't know what he's looking for, he'll go after the first thing that catches his eye." how sad but true. and really, would i want a guy like that? both my roommate and i would say no, but unfortunately, we want to make sure our bases are covered, so to speak... why not be attractive AND godly?
not that those two things are mutually exclusive, but i can see how for me, they can be. the idea of a quiet and gentle spirit in 1 peter is about meekness and submission. about a calmness before the Lord with who i am and who He has made me to be. when i struggle with discontentment on externals, i think it is diametrically opposed to a spirit that is pleasing to the Lord. whereas i ought to desire to please God rather than men, practically, i live as if i desire to please men rather than God. that, i think, is the biggest problem.
yes... i do want a guy who is attracted to me. i want him to be attracted to my inner character being and the inner beauty of my heart. but i also don't want someone to feel like they're "settling" for the inner beauty to the exclusion of external beauty... especially if it is so important to them. more than any of that, though... i think i want to want (and need to want) to be pleasing to God rather than men.
in yesterday's message, the pastor talked about how we become like what we fix our gaze on... i guess the first step in any of this is to once again refocus our eyes on "the author and perfector of our faith"...
(0) comments
