Monday, February 14, 2005
weddings and flirting, confusion... oh my!
so much has been going on lately that it has taken me over a week to gather my thoughts... and even after this week, there are still some fuzzy areas. so, a brief recap:
last weekend was my best friend's and roommate of 7 year's wedding. it was a beautiful experience, albeit emotional. God was gracious and i basically held it together better than i had imagined. the wedding itself was beautiful, but the events before and after was just straight out of a romantic comedy similar to my big fat greek wedding. two very different cultures collide in the winterland of canada. just use your imagination for that one.
the ceremony itself was beautiful, and was just such a testimony of God's faithfulness in bringing two people who are very committed to Him together to serve Him. i can hardly believe that just over a year ago, angie was in a bad relationship with a man who did not know how to love and now she's with this wonderful Godly man who loves her as Christ loves the church. it has been a privelege to watch their relationship unfold and to see how they have already made one another better people by being together than by being apart. i was so very happy for them. the only tinge of sadness came when i wondered whether i would ever encounter such a day as this -- whether i would ever be blessed with a Godly man to lead and love me.
beyond the emotions of seeing my best girl friend get married was the emotions of my best guy friend being more affectionate than usual. the days leading up to the wedding were already filled with conversations about relationships and as my usual (unfortunately), it is very easy for me to confuse friendship love with romantic love... simply because i have never been "in love" before. people around me confirmed that there was something different between us, and while a part of me wished that that were the case, i know that deep in my heart, he only cares for me as a friend... as a close friend, but nothing more. i think our affections for one another is confusing to outside observers -- my friends from california who were at the wedding asked if we were dating. i asked why they thought that and they said it was in the body language and the interaction. i had no ready explanation. their comments, along with my owns hope that something more would come of this relational investment, confused me for a large part of last week. i was struggling to see clearly what was before me. i have entrusted this friendship to the Lord time and time again... and He has so very clearly blessed it. i am honestly thankful for the relatively quick turn around time. in about a week;s time, i'm pretty much "recovered." i wanted what i saw as "easy" -- we already love each other and get along... so why not, God? he tells me he loves me... and i believe that in many ways he does... and i seem to fit what he says he wants... so why not, God? my mom, not knowing the whole situation, left me a voicemail with isaiah 55 on it... "my ways are higher than your ways, and my thoughts, your thoughts..." oh how true that is? how can i, in my limited reasoning abilities, think i can "figure" God out? if He thinks that this relationship is not a good idea... there is nothing i can say to reason otherwise. because i just "lost" my best friend, i want to grip on tightly to what i have... and i want to have a "change in status" with that friendship that would guarantee security. but i have learned that i just HAVE to leave it in God's hands and believe that what He will accomplish is for my best.
then... on the job front... not only do i have a crazy deadline for the course i'm working on, but in addition to that, there have been some "shifts" in the budget that may render me without a job in a few months. i mildly panicked. i sent out a few, not very thought out, resumes and got reponses right away. that caused me to wonder... am i on the wrong path here? if this marriage and kid thing isn't going to work out (because really, what control do i have of that?) maybe i should be pursuing a career path. not that there's anything wrong with that, but my heart's desire is honestly not that. thankfully, God helped me to see that i was freaking out before there was even cause to freak out, and that even with this -- even with the one thing that i thought was stable, secure and gives me affirmation of my "worth" -- i have to leave in His hands. you would think that would be so difficult knowing what kind of God He is... gracious, loving, compassionate, soveriegn, good...
... today, i'm thankful that God is God... and He is worthy of my trust... and i'm thankful that He has given me perspective on this situation once again... so i can entrust Him with each of my steps come what may.
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so much has been going on lately that it has taken me over a week to gather my thoughts... and even after this week, there are still some fuzzy areas. so, a brief recap:
last weekend was my best friend's and roommate of 7 year's wedding. it was a beautiful experience, albeit emotional. God was gracious and i basically held it together better than i had imagined. the wedding itself was beautiful, but the events before and after was just straight out of a romantic comedy similar to my big fat greek wedding. two very different cultures collide in the winterland of canada. just use your imagination for that one.
the ceremony itself was beautiful, and was just such a testimony of God's faithfulness in bringing two people who are very committed to Him together to serve Him. i can hardly believe that just over a year ago, angie was in a bad relationship with a man who did not know how to love and now she's with this wonderful Godly man who loves her as Christ loves the church. it has been a privelege to watch their relationship unfold and to see how they have already made one another better people by being together than by being apart. i was so very happy for them. the only tinge of sadness came when i wondered whether i would ever encounter such a day as this -- whether i would ever be blessed with a Godly man to lead and love me.
beyond the emotions of seeing my best girl friend get married was the emotions of my best guy friend being more affectionate than usual. the days leading up to the wedding were already filled with conversations about relationships and as my usual (unfortunately), it is very easy for me to confuse friendship love with romantic love... simply because i have never been "in love" before. people around me confirmed that there was something different between us, and while a part of me wished that that were the case, i know that deep in my heart, he only cares for me as a friend... as a close friend, but nothing more. i think our affections for one another is confusing to outside observers -- my friends from california who were at the wedding asked if we were dating. i asked why they thought that and they said it was in the body language and the interaction. i had no ready explanation. their comments, along with my owns hope that something more would come of this relational investment, confused me for a large part of last week. i was struggling to see clearly what was before me. i have entrusted this friendship to the Lord time and time again... and He has so very clearly blessed it. i am honestly thankful for the relatively quick turn around time. in about a week;s time, i'm pretty much "recovered." i wanted what i saw as "easy" -- we already love each other and get along... so why not, God? he tells me he loves me... and i believe that in many ways he does... and i seem to fit what he says he wants... so why not, God? my mom, not knowing the whole situation, left me a voicemail with isaiah 55 on it... "my ways are higher than your ways, and my thoughts, your thoughts..." oh how true that is? how can i, in my limited reasoning abilities, think i can "figure" God out? if He thinks that this relationship is not a good idea... there is nothing i can say to reason otherwise. because i just "lost" my best friend, i want to grip on tightly to what i have... and i want to have a "change in status" with that friendship that would guarantee security. but i have learned that i just HAVE to leave it in God's hands and believe that what He will accomplish is for my best.
then... on the job front... not only do i have a crazy deadline for the course i'm working on, but in addition to that, there have been some "shifts" in the budget that may render me without a job in a few months. i mildly panicked. i sent out a few, not very thought out, resumes and got reponses right away. that caused me to wonder... am i on the wrong path here? if this marriage and kid thing isn't going to work out (because really, what control do i have of that?) maybe i should be pursuing a career path. not that there's anything wrong with that, but my heart's desire is honestly not that. thankfully, God helped me to see that i was freaking out before there was even cause to freak out, and that even with this -- even with the one thing that i thought was stable, secure and gives me affirmation of my "worth" -- i have to leave in His hands. you would think that would be so difficult knowing what kind of God He is... gracious, loving, compassionate, soveriegn, good...
... today, i'm thankful that God is God... and He is worthy of my trust... and i'm thankful that He has given me perspective on this situation once again... so i can entrust Him with each of my steps come what may.
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