Thursday, February 26, 2004
flipped through my old poetry journal before i went to bed last night. so strange how struggles of years past can still somehow seem fresh. i used to think that somehow age will deaden passion and life will be easier as an adult. as a teenager, i remember thinking how adult life would be so placid because grownups care about such mundane things. i've technically been an "adult" now for 6 years and i almost long for that sort of existence.
recently i've encountered an alternate reality that provides a handy escape from the concerns of my world. it came a few weeks ago right when there was some seemingly pleasant closure to other stressors in my life. before i had time to think, i jumped onto the next whirlwind in hopes of landing elsewhere. not that anywhere is better than here... i dont' believe that at all. but there's something in what it seemed to promise that appealed to me. there really isn't even good logic behind it. just an inexplicable draw. perhaps its a blessing. perhaps not. can't be sure quite yet. all i know is that its enjoyable. and is that enough? and when this alternative reality threatens to invade reality, do i look for another escape? ever look into two mirrors that are angled just so that the image appears to repeat infinitely? its good that i'm forgetful because it hurts less, but perhaps that makes me more prone to repeat. self-awareness is definitely a good thing, but i think when left unchecked by external circumstances, it can create a false reality that exists only in the realm of the mind. that, i would have to say, is an unhealthy version of an alternate reality.
one of the poems i came across last night talked about a desire for numbness. if nothing else, i am thankful for my amazing ability to choose and execute numbness. (only thing that threatens to steal that ability is people interaction. if only i can master numbness even amidst people and situations... if only...)
recently i've encountered an alternate reality that provides a handy escape from the concerns of my world. it came a few weeks ago right when there was some seemingly pleasant closure to other stressors in my life. before i had time to think, i jumped onto the next whirlwind in hopes of landing elsewhere. not that anywhere is better than here... i dont' believe that at all. but there's something in what it seemed to promise that appealed to me. there really isn't even good logic behind it. just an inexplicable draw. perhaps its a blessing. perhaps not. can't be sure quite yet. all i know is that its enjoyable. and is that enough? and when this alternative reality threatens to invade reality, do i look for another escape? ever look into two mirrors that are angled just so that the image appears to repeat infinitely? its good that i'm forgetful because it hurts less, but perhaps that makes me more prone to repeat. self-awareness is definitely a good thing, but i think when left unchecked by external circumstances, it can create a false reality that exists only in the realm of the mind. that, i would have to say, is an unhealthy version of an alternate reality.
one of the poems i came across last night talked about a desire for numbness. if nothing else, i am thankful for my amazing ability to choose and execute numbness. (only thing that threatens to steal that ability is people interaction. if only i can master numbness even amidst people and situations... if only...)
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