Wednesday, December 31, 2003
a life less ordinary.
doesn't that sound exciting? isn't that what everyone longs for?
i, for one, am not so sure that it is so much my desire any longer. any longer... really, when has it ever been?
(don't mean to have such a pessimistic tone in the last entry of this year, but wow... a lot has gone one. since i think with my fingertips, you can see how long it has been since i've really "reflected" on these things, huh?)
and yet a new year is about to dawn, and i'm not happy with the attitude in which i'm approaching the new year. there is just so much that i have on my mind... so much that clutters, and so much that revolves around me that its hard to step out of myself and regain a biblical perspective.
i'm at home in stockton right now, and life here seems so much more simple, and easy... and i wonder why it is that i'm not a part of life here. did God soveriegnly move me out of this situation, this mindset for a greater purpose? or have i gone AWOL unbeknownst to me? should i have somehow just been the "obeident chinese daughter" that stayed close to home?
life in la and chicago is surely life less ordinary... but why am i there? for the longest, i believe that it is God's will that i'm there... and as calvinistic as i am, i don't really believe i have much choice in the matter. if God wants me to learn something there that i must learn, running will not escape the mentality or the situations.
but what if i'm wrong and i do indeed have a choice in the matter, and my misery in chicago is not merely a state of mind, but its objective misery? what if it is something i can escape and run from? what if my "lot" in life is something that i have a hand in... much more than i have believed in the past?
i had a chance to hang out with my good friend patricia this break and saw her new baby daughter. she was so precious and sweet and dependent... my mom saw her and said that i was "gwai" like that... very submissive and good. i asked her if she could have predicted what my personality would have been like... she said no. i'm much too independent and strong-willed now.
perceptions are funny, aren't they? my mom is ultimately the one who has "trained" me to be an independent person -- a free thinker. she reminds me often that she would "bribe" me with ice-cream to climb these tall monkey bars in hong kong so as to train me to be "freed" from a fear of heights. she had always thought that i was way too vulnerable and dependent. and now she wishes i were less independent so i would move closer to home. the funny thing is, deep down inside, i'm still dependent by nature. i want someone to rely on, to share life with, to partner with. i don't want a less ordinary life... i want a life shared with someone... ordinary, or less so. it really doesn't matter to me. but how often do we get what we ask for in life, really? and honestly, there are certain things that even an opportunisitic arminian would have to agree with me that it is out of our control.
*sigh*
maybe thinking is what makes life less ordinary. maybe i really think too much. i've been watching my mom watch tv since i've been home. its quite an interesting phenomenon. there has been a recent death in the chinese celebrity scene... a very famous singer (of the modonna caliber back in the day) passed away. it has truly been "the buzz." how interesting that this tv watching, celebrity stuff transcends culture. what is it about the "ordinary" people who loves to watch extrodinary people live their lives? does that kind of drama just become entertainment? is there a factor of envy... of discontent? while i personally have escaped the clutches of tv addiction, sometimes i wonder if the numbness of mind and the sedatedness of the senses that comes with the new and true opiate of the masses -- tv -- is something worth dabbling in. fully aware, of course. something to create an easy sense of community and comradery... something that brings gives us a controlled amount of emotional ride without the committment of attachment.
the meta awareness i live in (even though it is within my own mind) is sometimes just too much. i know what the right thing to do is... but when doing the right things so often "swears to one's own hurt" and there doesn't seem to be someone watching your back like you're promised... yeah. it just stinks.
i've REALLY been meaning to write a "christmas letter" or "new years letter" to thank my poland supporters and to just keep far away friends updated to my life but i just do not like the pessimistic tone in my writing... no need to propagate negativity. can i see through the dark clouds sometime soon? there has simply been too much that has gone on this past year... too much drama, but its emotionally invested drama -- unfortunately, not the television sort. it would be so nice to return to a life more ordinary. i wonder if that has not been ordained for me... and if not, could i possibly break out of it?
what if... what if it doesn't matter? that in the end, regardless of whether you live a life more or less ordinary, that it is still your attitude and outlook that determines its quality? that neither simplicity nor complicity will satisfy if i refuse to be satisfied?
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doesn't that sound exciting? isn't that what everyone longs for?
i, for one, am not so sure that it is so much my desire any longer. any longer... really, when has it ever been?
(don't mean to have such a pessimistic tone in the last entry of this year, but wow... a lot has gone one. since i think with my fingertips, you can see how long it has been since i've really "reflected" on these things, huh?)
and yet a new year is about to dawn, and i'm not happy with the attitude in which i'm approaching the new year. there is just so much that i have on my mind... so much that clutters, and so much that revolves around me that its hard to step out of myself and regain a biblical perspective.
i'm at home in stockton right now, and life here seems so much more simple, and easy... and i wonder why it is that i'm not a part of life here. did God soveriegnly move me out of this situation, this mindset for a greater purpose? or have i gone AWOL unbeknownst to me? should i have somehow just been the "obeident chinese daughter" that stayed close to home?
life in la and chicago is surely life less ordinary... but why am i there? for the longest, i believe that it is God's will that i'm there... and as calvinistic as i am, i don't really believe i have much choice in the matter. if God wants me to learn something there that i must learn, running will not escape the mentality or the situations.
but what if i'm wrong and i do indeed have a choice in the matter, and my misery in chicago is not merely a state of mind, but its objective misery? what if it is something i can escape and run from? what if my "lot" in life is something that i have a hand in... much more than i have believed in the past?
i had a chance to hang out with my good friend patricia this break and saw her new baby daughter. she was so precious and sweet and dependent... my mom saw her and said that i was "gwai" like that... very submissive and good. i asked her if she could have predicted what my personality would have been like... she said no. i'm much too independent and strong-willed now.
perceptions are funny, aren't they? my mom is ultimately the one who has "trained" me to be an independent person -- a free thinker. she reminds me often that she would "bribe" me with ice-cream to climb these tall monkey bars in hong kong so as to train me to be "freed" from a fear of heights. she had always thought that i was way too vulnerable and dependent. and now she wishes i were less independent so i would move closer to home. the funny thing is, deep down inside, i'm still dependent by nature. i want someone to rely on, to share life with, to partner with. i don't want a less ordinary life... i want a life shared with someone... ordinary, or less so. it really doesn't matter to me. but how often do we get what we ask for in life, really? and honestly, there are certain things that even an opportunisitic arminian would have to agree with me that it is out of our control.
*sigh*
maybe thinking is what makes life less ordinary. maybe i really think too much. i've been watching my mom watch tv since i've been home. its quite an interesting phenomenon. there has been a recent death in the chinese celebrity scene... a very famous singer (of the modonna caliber back in the day) passed away. it has truly been "the buzz." how interesting that this tv watching, celebrity stuff transcends culture. what is it about the "ordinary" people who loves to watch extrodinary people live their lives? does that kind of drama just become entertainment? is there a factor of envy... of discontent? while i personally have escaped the clutches of tv addiction, sometimes i wonder if the numbness of mind and the sedatedness of the senses that comes with the new and true opiate of the masses -- tv -- is something worth dabbling in. fully aware, of course. something to create an easy sense of community and comradery... something that brings gives us a controlled amount of emotional ride without the committment of attachment.
the meta awareness i live in (even though it is within my own mind) is sometimes just too much. i know what the right thing to do is... but when doing the right things so often "swears to one's own hurt" and there doesn't seem to be someone watching your back like you're promised... yeah. it just stinks.
i've REALLY been meaning to write a "christmas letter" or "new years letter" to thank my poland supporters and to just keep far away friends updated to my life but i just do not like the pessimistic tone in my writing... no need to propagate negativity. can i see through the dark clouds sometime soon? there has simply been too much that has gone on this past year... too much drama, but its emotionally invested drama -- unfortunately, not the television sort. it would be so nice to return to a life more ordinary. i wonder if that has not been ordained for me... and if not, could i possibly break out of it?
what if... what if it doesn't matter? that in the end, regardless of whether you live a life more or less ordinary, that it is still your attitude and outlook that determines its quality? that neither simplicity nor complicity will satisfy if i refuse to be satisfied?
(0) comments
