Tuesday, February 24, 2004
on his thirtieth birthday, i made a conscious decision to become a moonless night.
ever make a decision so difficult that it makes your eyeballs hurt? well, the eyeball pain might be more due to the tears shed during the decision making process, but how's that for dramatic effect? actually, as difficult as this decision was, i feel a calm and a peace about it. what doesn't feel so good is that my decision, i feel, is birthed out of a necessity due to someone else's sin. someone who doesn't even acknowledge their sin in this situation... just sees it as "differences" in approach.
isn't that just the way it is with sin? so easy to justify it as mere perspective. how can one argue against that? may i never be in the position to fall pry to the insecurity and jealousy that's robbing me of my best friend. but i'm a woman. sadly, i can emphathize with her.
and it came about that last night, i chose so my best friend didn't have to. but it wasn't an easy choice to give him up. not an easy one at all. but a necessary one, unfortunately. at the moment of the decision, i thought it was the only move i could make... looking back, i have moments of regrets when i imagine a future without my sunshine. will i be able to somehow uphold the optimism i have contracted from him? what will it be like to know that he didn't do everything in his power to preserve what we have? will i be resentful? will this change who we are? forever? these and many other questions i'm even afraid to ponder continue to cross my mind.
never thought it would happen... never thought it would come down to this. on his birthday no less.
on his thirtieth birthday, i lost my sunshine.
ever make a decision so difficult that it makes your eyeballs hurt? well, the eyeball pain might be more due to the tears shed during the decision making process, but how's that for dramatic effect? actually, as difficult as this decision was, i feel a calm and a peace about it. what doesn't feel so good is that my decision, i feel, is birthed out of a necessity due to someone else's sin. someone who doesn't even acknowledge their sin in this situation... just sees it as "differences" in approach.
isn't that just the way it is with sin? so easy to justify it as mere perspective. how can one argue against that? may i never be in the position to fall pry to the insecurity and jealousy that's robbing me of my best friend. but i'm a woman. sadly, i can emphathize with her.
and it came about that last night, i chose so my best friend didn't have to. but it wasn't an easy choice to give him up. not an easy one at all. but a necessary one, unfortunately. at the moment of the decision, i thought it was the only move i could make... looking back, i have moments of regrets when i imagine a future without my sunshine. will i be able to somehow uphold the optimism i have contracted from him? what will it be like to know that he didn't do everything in his power to preserve what we have? will i be resentful? will this change who we are? forever? these and many other questions i'm even afraid to ponder continue to cross my mind.
never thought it would happen... never thought it would come down to this. on his birthday no less.
on his thirtieth birthday, i lost my sunshine.
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