Thursday, May 20, 2004
to me coming from you
friend is a four-letter word
end is the only part of the word
that i heard
call me morbid
or absurd
but to me...
coming from you...
friend is a four-letter word
-cake
i'm listening to my cake cd and that i had lent laura a while back that i got back during worship practice yesterday. i was totally excited to get it back and we collectively commmented on how groovin' and humorous the band is. then, i started singing the above lyrics and was surprised to be joined by andy. if you know andy, he just would not seem the type to know cake, let alone be able to quote the lyrics of an entire song. but then, he's surprised me before. its an odd thing when you connect with a friend over an obsure band when you both know the lyrics. especially the nature of this song.
right before worship practice, a good friend called and left me a message. made a surge of emotions rush back. not that he left a message with information that caused it, and really he didn't say much of anything... its just that i'm trying to apply what i've learned last week, trying not to disengage emotions... but not sure how to hold myself together if i let myself feel everything that emerges. i think i've come to the conclusion that i can't just leave him hanging... but i'm also not sure how to put things into words yet or what all to share yet either. so... i dunno... but i started to draft a letter (its becoming my favorite mode of processing thoughts).
its sad to me that as funny and sarcastic as this song is, this is often how i feel about friendship... especially as of late. end is inevitable. the hope and joy that should be the life of friendships isn't there for me. sometimes i wish i had more of a calloused attitude towards it. i care too much and not enough at the same time. its hard to balance how to truly love and care (as we are commanded to) without making love and relationships itself an idol.
when i go fishing for the words, i am wishing you would say to me, i'm really only praying that the words you'll soon be saying might betray the way you feel about me...
yeah... so worship practice was really good. i really appreciate what was said before we started and the time that we had to pray before hand... to examine our hearts before the Lord.
i'm thankful for fellowship through music... the connection that it brings to the heart and mind within ourselves, and the connection it allows very different people to have with one another.
(1) comments
friend is a four-letter word
end is the only part of the word
that i heard
call me morbid
or absurd
but to me...
coming from you...
friend is a four-letter word
-cake
i'm listening to my cake cd and that i had lent laura a while back that i got back during worship practice yesterday. i was totally excited to get it back and we collectively commmented on how groovin' and humorous the band is. then, i started singing the above lyrics and was surprised to be joined by andy. if you know andy, he just would not seem the type to know cake, let alone be able to quote the lyrics of an entire song. but then, he's surprised me before. its an odd thing when you connect with a friend over an obsure band when you both know the lyrics. especially the nature of this song.
right before worship practice, a good friend called and left me a message. made a surge of emotions rush back. not that he left a message with information that caused it, and really he didn't say much of anything... its just that i'm trying to apply what i've learned last week, trying not to disengage emotions... but not sure how to hold myself together if i let myself feel everything that emerges. i think i've come to the conclusion that i can't just leave him hanging... but i'm also not sure how to put things into words yet or what all to share yet either. so... i dunno... but i started to draft a letter (its becoming my favorite mode of processing thoughts).
its sad to me that as funny and sarcastic as this song is, this is often how i feel about friendship... especially as of late. end is inevitable. the hope and joy that should be the life of friendships isn't there for me. sometimes i wish i had more of a calloused attitude towards it. i care too much and not enough at the same time. its hard to balance how to truly love and care (as we are commanded to) without making love and relationships itself an idol.
when i go fishing for the words, i am wishing you would say to me, i'm really only praying that the words you'll soon be saying might betray the way you feel about me...
yeah... so worship practice was really good. i really appreciate what was said before we started and the time that we had to pray before hand... to examine our hearts before the Lord.
i'm thankful for fellowship through music... the connection that it brings to the heart and mind within ourselves, and the connection it allows very different people to have with one another.
(1) comments
Wednesday, May 19, 2004
breakfast at tiffany's and the glory of God...
(connect that one, i bet you're thinking...)
last night, my roommate and i watched breakfast at tiffany's. a classic that i started to watch a little while back but didn't feel obliged to finish... probably because i was just really really tired. watched the entire movie last night and i really enjoyed it. angie and i joked how the only way holly got away with being such a mess was because she was so darn cute. unluckily, i was blessed with the mess minus the cute (at least the audrey hepburn kind of cute). as messed up as she was, i felt like i could identify with her lostness. its sad to admit, especially since supposedly, "i once was lost but now am found." i wish i had a stronger sense of that "foundness" on a day to day basis.
started reading jerry bridges "trusting God" on the recommendation of the friend i spoke of last week. i had read parts of it before, and while a lot of it was basic/simplistic, it was nevertheless a refreshing reminder of God's sovereignty, wisdom and goodness. his premise is that often, it is much easier for us to obey God than to trust Him with our circumstances. all too true, i'm afraid...
this morning during our department's devotion, we watched another segment from the presentation of cat and dog theology seminar i went to a few weeks (has it been months?) ago. listening to the content again made me realize how much it had impacted me the first time i heard it. how forgetful i am! i cognitively understand that i ought to see things with the lens of "dog theology" but instead, my attitudes reflect those of a cat.
and oh, how i identified with both holly in her lostness and her cat in her namelessness from the movie last night. but even in that, there's a "woe is me" refrain that is isn't concerned with God's glory like i know i ought to be. there's something beautiful about melancholy, but that beauty is not the beauty of a "lifted countenance" after beholding the beauty of the Lord. sigh. i miss that beauty. to be honest, i'm disappointed in myself and i wish i were better than i am.
i am hoping that from where i am, that God would fish me out of the pit of my own attitudes and failings... because i am at the end of my rope. tired of trying, really. just tired. i hope that He would by His spirit change my heart to desire His glory above my own well-being and happiness. i've been driven by self-protection and really, that has not been effective (nor honoring to the Lord). i want that to be more than just the "right answer"; i want it to be my heart's pursuit. i want to want. oh, how i want to want it.
today... i'm thankful that He is still patient with me, and that He promises (despite how dismal things look right now) that He who began a good work in me will be faithful to complete it. i'm counting on that, God... i'm counting on it...
(0) comments
(connect that one, i bet you're thinking...)
last night, my roommate and i watched breakfast at tiffany's. a classic that i started to watch a little while back but didn't feel obliged to finish... probably because i was just really really tired. watched the entire movie last night and i really enjoyed it. angie and i joked how the only way holly got away with being such a mess was because she was so darn cute. unluckily, i was blessed with the mess minus the cute (at least the audrey hepburn kind of cute). as messed up as she was, i felt like i could identify with her lostness. its sad to admit, especially since supposedly, "i once was lost but now am found." i wish i had a stronger sense of that "foundness" on a day to day basis.
started reading jerry bridges "trusting God" on the recommendation of the friend i spoke of last week. i had read parts of it before, and while a lot of it was basic/simplistic, it was nevertheless a refreshing reminder of God's sovereignty, wisdom and goodness. his premise is that often, it is much easier for us to obey God than to trust Him with our circumstances. all too true, i'm afraid...
this morning during our department's devotion, we watched another segment from the presentation of cat and dog theology seminar i went to a few weeks (has it been months?) ago. listening to the content again made me realize how much it had impacted me the first time i heard it. how forgetful i am! i cognitively understand that i ought to see things with the lens of "dog theology" but instead, my attitudes reflect those of a cat.
and oh, how i identified with both holly in her lostness and her cat in her namelessness from the movie last night. but even in that, there's a "woe is me" refrain that is isn't concerned with God's glory like i know i ought to be. there's something beautiful about melancholy, but that beauty is not the beauty of a "lifted countenance" after beholding the beauty of the Lord. sigh. i miss that beauty. to be honest, i'm disappointed in myself and i wish i were better than i am.
i am hoping that from where i am, that God would fish me out of the pit of my own attitudes and failings... because i am at the end of my rope. tired of trying, really. just tired. i hope that He would by His spirit change my heart to desire His glory above my own well-being and happiness. i've been driven by self-protection and really, that has not been effective (nor honoring to the Lord). i want that to be more than just the "right answer"; i want it to be my heart's pursuit. i want to want. oh, how i want to want it.
today... i'm thankful that He is still patient with me, and that He promises (despite how dismal things look right now) that He who began a good work in me will be faithful to complete it. i'm counting on that, God... i'm counting on it...
(0) comments
Monday, May 17, 2004
oops... almost forgot.... i'm thankful for....
... kind, godly people who are able to be a practical expression of God's love, even though they don't have an obligation to do so.
(0) comments
... kind, godly people who are able to be a practical expression of God's love, even though they don't have an obligation to do so.
(0) comments
the opposite of love...
what would you say is the opposite of love? the most simplistic and often most popular answer is hate. but have you found that because both involves strong feelings, that there is often a very fine line between love and hate? so, maybe if the line is so fine, they are not in fact, true opposites...
at one point in the last few years, i looked at the people i least loved and thought that apathy was the opposite of love. there were certain people who i just stopped caring about altogether... either from life situation, or from past hurts. i saw this, but didn't really acknowledge it as anything....
then recently, i revisted these feelings of apathy, realizing that i have, with some frequency, shut people off emotionally. with a string of events, it made me realize that this is something i need to confront. i was afraid that if i didn't deal with it properly, i would do that within the context of a relationship and really mess things up.
so i went to talk to someone about it.
there were quite a few reasons for this, but one was the unanswered question, is being honest with one's emotion a biblical or psychological concept? if merely psychological, then is it something i need to deal with? there was a lot that surrounded the asking of that question, but the answer he gave me was very surprising...
he said the question isn't necessarily whether this is psychological or biblical. it may be an observable truth that i have shut people off emotionally. is this amoral? it may seem so, but if it contradicts biblical principles (such as, am i loving my neighbor as myself?) then perhaps it isn't so neutral. my shutting people off emotionally is acting unlovingly... and because of that, it is something that i ought to examine.
beyond that, though, he said something else that really stirred my thinking. he said that fear was the opposite of love. now that one was new to me. he supported that scripturally with 1 john, where it talks about perfect love casts out all fears. i've never even thought of the two in the same plane. but... after some consideration, i think he's right. cause really, fear is what motivates one to be apathetic, or even hate.
the only bummer is, i wanted to walk away from the meeting with answers. instead, i'm walking away with a different set of questions and thankfully, a renewed sense of hope. lets just hope that it doesn't fade...
(2) comments
what would you say is the opposite of love? the most simplistic and often most popular answer is hate. but have you found that because both involves strong feelings, that there is often a very fine line between love and hate? so, maybe if the line is so fine, they are not in fact, true opposites...
at one point in the last few years, i looked at the people i least loved and thought that apathy was the opposite of love. there were certain people who i just stopped caring about altogether... either from life situation, or from past hurts. i saw this, but didn't really acknowledge it as anything....
then recently, i revisted these feelings of apathy, realizing that i have, with some frequency, shut people off emotionally. with a string of events, it made me realize that this is something i need to confront. i was afraid that if i didn't deal with it properly, i would do that within the context of a relationship and really mess things up.
so i went to talk to someone about it.
there were quite a few reasons for this, but one was the unanswered question, is being honest with one's emotion a biblical or psychological concept? if merely psychological, then is it something i need to deal with? there was a lot that surrounded the asking of that question, but the answer he gave me was very surprising...
he said the question isn't necessarily whether this is psychological or biblical. it may be an observable truth that i have shut people off emotionally. is this amoral? it may seem so, but if it contradicts biblical principles (such as, am i loving my neighbor as myself?) then perhaps it isn't so neutral. my shutting people off emotionally is acting unlovingly... and because of that, it is something that i ought to examine.
beyond that, though, he said something else that really stirred my thinking. he said that fear was the opposite of love. now that one was new to me. he supported that scripturally with 1 john, where it talks about perfect love casts out all fears. i've never even thought of the two in the same plane. but... after some consideration, i think he's right. cause really, fear is what motivates one to be apathetic, or even hate.
the only bummer is, i wanted to walk away from the meeting with answers. instead, i'm walking away with a different set of questions and thankfully, a renewed sense of hope. lets just hope that it doesn't fade...
(2) comments
