Thursday, July 15, 2004
am i a neoplatonist? a practicing gnostic?
i'm really a freak, aren't i? who asks themselves those questions when facing an identity crisis? its just like me, actually, to academic-ize (is that a word?) even my mental/internal struggles with relationships and identity.
its been a while since i've blogged, so i probably should elaborate a bit on what's been on this twisted mind of mine....
a little over a month ago, things have been looking up for me spiritually and emotionally. about the same time, i met a really wonderful guy with whom i seem to share quite a bit in common. i began to become hopeful about the possibility of a relationship... a renewed sense of hopefulness that i had not felt in a while.
during the initial stages, i had some great times with God. some of my good friends were able to see changes in my countenance and a renewed sense of hope that has been missing from my life for a while because of circumstances. i was convicted by the fact that my hopefulness was so situationally dependent but thankful at the same time that God would be so gracious to provide a surge of positive emotion after such a long time under a dark cloud. a good friend of mine encouraged me by saying that despite the fact that it seemed situationally dependent, somemtimes our ability to hope in people reflects an ability to hope in God in that God is in control even over people's failings and our pain which may result.
the "high" i felt for those few weeks was euphoric; the reality that followed revealed my hypocritical idealism.
i am a critical thinker. that can be a good and bad thing. its a good thing because i can analyze situations and sometimes come up with good insights on things. it can be a bad thing when that leads me to believe that i have a clear understanding of reality when i really have no clue. even about what i think i want and what i value.
(ok, so where does this gnostic/neoplatonic stuff come into play?)
in my mind, i value intellect, personality and character much more than i do physical appearances. i think i know what i want. after this past few weeks, my "real life" experience has caused me to see that perhaps i don't quite know what i thought i knew. i lived so much in my mind that i tend to separate the mind and the body -- the internal from the external -- when in reality, it is not really possible (or healthy) to do so.
its funny even the "poetics" that fascinate me -- percy shelley's "defense of poesy" talked about how even by putting ideas into words somehow detracts from it, that the "actualization" can never live up to the ideal in our minds. basically, reality sucks.
because of my lack of grounding in reality, i never saw the division of internal and externals as a problem. actually, i never saw that my views were indeed dividing the internal from the external. i see how society values "image" and extols it to such an extent that everything within me desires to fight against that. i want to "fight" that because it seems wrong to judge merely by appearances because its not "fair." people (largely) cannot help how they look or whether they are attractive or not. it just seems so wrong to determine value by something so superficial. i thought this was "right" and the way things ought to be. i even justified it biblically with verses like "man looks at appearances but God looks at the heart."
then something happened to challenge my thinking. it caused me to question whether or not i'm a total hypocrite or whether i'm just missing something huge. the conclusion so far is that i'm an unintentional hypocrite who is indeed missing something huge. i realized that my beliefs were more neo-platonic and gnostic than bibilical, but that neo-platonism is not a Christian idea and gnosticism is actually a heresy that the early church had to fight against. hebrew culture values the connection of the body and the spirit -- our faith is indeed something that is wholistic, connecting the physical with the spiritual. the idea of beauty in the old testament (something that i'm still learning about) is something that is internal yet externally manifested.
perhaps in feeling rejected by certain people's lack of attraction to me in the past had put me on the defensive, causing me accuse people of being "shallow" when it was only my insecurity that demanded fairness. my insecurities did not trust God in what He was doing in the events of my life. God isn't always "fair" the way we esteem "fairness" but He is soveriegn and He is just. His justice and the rightness in all that He ordains should not be questioned and somehow "justified" to make me feel better about myself or my situation. it should certainly not cause me to "judge" others based on my standards. wow. this discovery is certainly humbling.
well... there's much more to where this came from.... but i'm running late so i must go for now. reader, if you think of me, please pray for me as i try to sort these things out.
today, i'm so thankful for God's gracious dealings with me... that He would deign to humble me continuously.
(0) comments
i'm really a freak, aren't i? who asks themselves those questions when facing an identity crisis? its just like me, actually, to academic-ize (is that a word?) even my mental/internal struggles with relationships and identity.
its been a while since i've blogged, so i probably should elaborate a bit on what's been on this twisted mind of mine....
a little over a month ago, things have been looking up for me spiritually and emotionally. about the same time, i met a really wonderful guy with whom i seem to share quite a bit in common. i began to become hopeful about the possibility of a relationship... a renewed sense of hopefulness that i had not felt in a while.
during the initial stages, i had some great times with God. some of my good friends were able to see changes in my countenance and a renewed sense of hope that has been missing from my life for a while because of circumstances. i was convicted by the fact that my hopefulness was so situationally dependent but thankful at the same time that God would be so gracious to provide a surge of positive emotion after such a long time under a dark cloud. a good friend of mine encouraged me by saying that despite the fact that it seemed situationally dependent, somemtimes our ability to hope in people reflects an ability to hope in God in that God is in control even over people's failings and our pain which may result.
the "high" i felt for those few weeks was euphoric; the reality that followed revealed my hypocritical idealism.
i am a critical thinker. that can be a good and bad thing. its a good thing because i can analyze situations and sometimes come up with good insights on things. it can be a bad thing when that leads me to believe that i have a clear understanding of reality when i really have no clue. even about what i think i want and what i value.
(ok, so where does this gnostic/neoplatonic stuff come into play?)
in my mind, i value intellect, personality and character much more than i do physical appearances. i think i know what i want. after this past few weeks, my "real life" experience has caused me to see that perhaps i don't quite know what i thought i knew. i lived so much in my mind that i tend to separate the mind and the body -- the internal from the external -- when in reality, it is not really possible (or healthy) to do so.
its funny even the "poetics" that fascinate me -- percy shelley's "defense of poesy" talked about how even by putting ideas into words somehow detracts from it, that the "actualization" can never live up to the ideal in our minds. basically, reality sucks.
because of my lack of grounding in reality, i never saw the division of internal and externals as a problem. actually, i never saw that my views were indeed dividing the internal from the external. i see how society values "image" and extols it to such an extent that everything within me desires to fight against that. i want to "fight" that because it seems wrong to judge merely by appearances because its not "fair." people (largely) cannot help how they look or whether they are attractive or not. it just seems so wrong to determine value by something so superficial. i thought this was "right" and the way things ought to be. i even justified it biblically with verses like "man looks at appearances but God looks at the heart."
then something happened to challenge my thinking. it caused me to question whether or not i'm a total hypocrite or whether i'm just missing something huge. the conclusion so far is that i'm an unintentional hypocrite who is indeed missing something huge. i realized that my beliefs were more neo-platonic and gnostic than bibilical, but that neo-platonism is not a Christian idea and gnosticism is actually a heresy that the early church had to fight against. hebrew culture values the connection of the body and the spirit -- our faith is indeed something that is wholistic, connecting the physical with the spiritual. the idea of beauty in the old testament (something that i'm still learning about) is something that is internal yet externally manifested.
perhaps in feeling rejected by certain people's lack of attraction to me in the past had put me on the defensive, causing me accuse people of being "shallow" when it was only my insecurity that demanded fairness. my insecurities did not trust God in what He was doing in the events of my life. God isn't always "fair" the way we esteem "fairness" but He is soveriegn and He is just. His justice and the rightness in all that He ordains should not be questioned and somehow "justified" to make me feel better about myself or my situation. it should certainly not cause me to "judge" others based on my standards. wow. this discovery is certainly humbling.
well... there's much more to where this came from.... but i'm running late so i must go for now. reader, if you think of me, please pray for me as i try to sort these things out.
today, i'm so thankful for God's gracious dealings with me... that He would deign to humble me continuously.
(0) comments
