Saturday, April 05, 2003
per 4.2.03's blog about not being happy with the hand God had dealt me....
Holy Wholly Holey
excuse me, Sir
don’t mean to pry
but I could not help
but to ask why
You choose to use
a filthy, broken vessel
like me.
the stain’s been there
for exactly four years
yesterday, and i don’t
mean to doubt
but i hardly think that it will go away now…
pardon me, Master
don’t mean to come across
disrespectful
i know i have no right to
question—
but Your method…
it makes little sense—
breaking me to pieces
makes me holey…
i don’t understand
how it will make me whole
the stain has not gone away,
and the scars from the last
breaking still has yet to heal
and i see Your hand
coming at me again.
Not that I’m complaining….
Well, maybe a little
But I don’t mean to… I promise
not quite sure how it works
‘cause i can’t hold water
with those gaping scars
and when i try to mend them
with the wax of self
love and pride
You put me through the refinery and
it melts away
so i don’t understand Your art—
Forgive me for being out of place
but I don’t understand why
You do what You do
and why You would bother and continue
to use me….
You can afford to start anew
i’m well aware.
You still use me with all my scars
and the water that escapes does cool my wounds
i can relate
i can understand
and weep along side of other broken cisterns
i guess
You know best.
Sir… i don’t mean to be a rebel
and question….
But will i ever be whole, with all
these holes?
(1998)
2003--another four and a half years later--still holey...
(0) comments
Holy Wholly Holey
excuse me, Sir
don’t mean to pry
but I could not help
but to ask why
You choose to use
a filthy, broken vessel
like me.
the stain’s been there
for exactly four years
yesterday, and i don’t
mean to doubt
but i hardly think that it will go away now…
pardon me, Master
don’t mean to come across
disrespectful
i know i have no right to
question—
but Your method…
it makes little sense—
breaking me to pieces
makes me holey…
i don’t understand
how it will make me whole
the stain has not gone away,
and the scars from the last
breaking still has yet to heal
and i see Your hand
coming at me again.
Not that I’m complaining….
Well, maybe a little
But I don’t mean to… I promise
not quite sure how it works
‘cause i can’t hold water
with those gaping scars
and when i try to mend them
with the wax of self
love and pride
You put me through the refinery and
it melts away
so i don’t understand Your art—
Forgive me for being out of place
but I don’t understand why
You do what You do
and why You would bother and continue
to use me….
You can afford to start anew
i’m well aware.
You still use me with all my scars
and the water that escapes does cool my wounds
i can relate
i can understand
and weep along side of other broken cisterns
i guess
You know best.
Sir… i don’t mean to be a rebel
and question….
But will i ever be whole, with all
these holes?
(1998)
2003--another four and a half years later--still holey...
(0) comments
Friday, April 04, 2003
its nice to have connections.
so, i'm dealing with this hit and run accident on a rental vehicle that i was driving because of a previous accident (oh yes... my trouble with cars in the last two months definitely competes with my trouble with men) and it feels pretty stinkin' hopeless when even your own insurance people (who are suppose to be on your side, right?) aren't fighting for you. you feel a dark cloud over you because even though you KNOW you didn't do anything to cause the accidents, the damage is done, and you're left responsible... and there's nothing you can do about that.
so i called clarence, this brilliant guy who's not only like a brother to me, but he also happens to be a lawyer. he giving me some good advice on how to handle the situation, but more then that, he imbued me with confidence in how to deal with these people. "just tell them you want everything documented for your lawyer," he said. even when the situation looked completely hopeless, my confidence in his smarts and abilities make me think that he might be able to do something for me. ah, my brother, the lawyer.
ooo...and the clout that it brings! he hasn't even spoken on my behalf yet, but even throwing the word "lawyer" into the conversation gives me a feeling of power as i hear the tone in their voices change. its incredible that his time and counsel, which is worth hundreds of dollars to everyone else, comes free for me... and not only free, but welcomed.
free and welcomed counsel... mmm.... where have i heard that before? actually, i'm taking a class in Hebrews this semester, and it speaks of Jesus, our high priest. He alone is our perfect advocate. ooo... the power in THAT!
even with all of his attempts, clarence might fail me in fighting off these charges... and i know he loves me and will work hard to fight this off for me, but when push comes to shove, i doubt he'll fork over for the bill. but Jesus is not only our Perfect Lawyer, He is also willing to pick up the tab on our behalf. the biggest difference is that while this accident wasn't my fault and i feel indignant from the injustice, the only indignation i can feel is the injustice from the grace my Heavenly Lawyer sends by paying for the bill that i was indeed responsible for.
the sense of gratitude i had for clarence this morning shames me. in comparison to how thankful i feel for his sticking up for me, how much more so should i feel this for an even greater advocate--my Perfect High Priest and Brother! And He has power... He has wisdom and insight and loopholes i can't even dream of...
yep, it sure IS nice to have connections in High Places.
(0) comments
so, i'm dealing with this hit and run accident on a rental vehicle that i was driving because of a previous accident (oh yes... my trouble with cars in the last two months definitely competes with my trouble with men) and it feels pretty stinkin' hopeless when even your own insurance people (who are suppose to be on your side, right?) aren't fighting for you. you feel a dark cloud over you because even though you KNOW you didn't do anything to cause the accidents, the damage is done, and you're left responsible... and there's nothing you can do about that.
so i called clarence, this brilliant guy who's not only like a brother to me, but he also happens to be a lawyer. he giving me some good advice on how to handle the situation, but more then that, he imbued me with confidence in how to deal with these people. "just tell them you want everything documented for your lawyer," he said. even when the situation looked completely hopeless, my confidence in his smarts and abilities make me think that he might be able to do something for me. ah, my brother, the lawyer.
ooo...and the clout that it brings! he hasn't even spoken on my behalf yet, but even throwing the word "lawyer" into the conversation gives me a feeling of power as i hear the tone in their voices change. its incredible that his time and counsel, which is worth hundreds of dollars to everyone else, comes free for me... and not only free, but welcomed.
free and welcomed counsel... mmm.... where have i heard that before? actually, i'm taking a class in Hebrews this semester, and it speaks of Jesus, our high priest. He alone is our perfect advocate. ooo... the power in THAT!
even with all of his attempts, clarence might fail me in fighting off these charges... and i know he loves me and will work hard to fight this off for me, but when push comes to shove, i doubt he'll fork over for the bill. but Jesus is not only our Perfect Lawyer, He is also willing to pick up the tab on our behalf. the biggest difference is that while this accident wasn't my fault and i feel indignant from the injustice, the only indignation i can feel is the injustice from the grace my Heavenly Lawyer sends by paying for the bill that i was indeed responsible for.
the sense of gratitude i had for clarence this morning shames me. in comparison to how thankful i feel for his sticking up for me, how much more so should i feel this for an even greater advocate--my Perfect High Priest and Brother! And He has power... He has wisdom and insight and loopholes i can't even dream of...
yep, it sure IS nice to have connections in High Places.
(0) comments
Wednesday, April 02, 2003
my initial intention for the blog was to try to write more regularly... something that will get my creativity going... but now, i have a feeling it might just turn out to be one big whine-fest, but hey. i need an outlet. isn't that what writing is for? perhaps writers are just too poor or too cheap for real therapy...
chicago weather
journey threw jonah up
on the beach
please throw me up
likewise to the place
You want me
i identify with my ancient brother
not because he was a great preacher
unto repentance and salvation
but because of our similar
brat mentality
silly jo
as if you could run from
the presence of the Almighty God
(just by distancing from jerusalem)
just as silly me
refuse to feast on Your presence
for fear of conviction and commands
though my hunger pangs
reveal spiritual anorexia
as i indulge my flesh
with instant gratification
(chocolate to calm my soul)
you.
Please throw me overboard
(the bad weather really is my fault)
my friend.
my nearness can cause tempestuous troubles
brother jo prayed in thanksgiving
crying out for deliverance when things got stinky
is singleness my ninevah?
one please, to tarshish.
i want to be loved i want to be united i want to be whole
as i wallow in the murky waters that surround even my soul
the deep closes around me
and the fishiness is now overwhelming
please Sir,
speak to the big fish soon
tell him to spit me out
into the arms of one
who will love me.
(will one love me?)
away from the dark clouds overhead
(or will that persist?)
oh, don't pay attention to that--
its just my brother jo's brat mentality
coming through again.
oh.
and i apologize for the moody cloud that persists.
(3-22-00)
can't believe i wrote that poem over three years ago.... and the metaphor comparing my singleness to ninevah still haunts me. you can think that you have outgrown certain emotions and attitudes and struggles, but when you look back and your emotions at the moment is just as raw as it was three years ago, and you still connect with it... i wonder if that means that life and struggles are entirely circular, or if that just "my voice" (God forbid i have such a depressing and morbid voice!). i know that the misery surrounding my life is, in a sense, self-imposed based on my discontentment with my current situation (romantic and otherwise). granted, certain things do make it worse (like feeling completely abandoned by people who love me, even if it is circumstantial and not intentional). but i know ultimately, its my own attitude and my own fixation upon the matter that makes it so much worse... but i can't seem to turn it around.
"... where can i go from your spirit? where can i go from your presence?" that song is now running through my mind. i know that it is only in Him that i can find any sort of contentment and satisfaction... but i'm scared of running to God right now. i'm not happy with the hand He had dealt me, and yeah... i'm afraid of what might come next. reminds me of yet another poem from a few years back... maybe i'll share that next time.
yep. when it rains... it pours...
(0) comments
chicago weather
journey threw jonah up
on the beach
please throw me up
likewise to the place
You want me
i identify with my ancient brother
not because he was a great preacher
unto repentance and salvation
but because of our similar
brat mentality
silly jo
as if you could run from
the presence of the Almighty God
(just by distancing from jerusalem)
just as silly me
refuse to feast on Your presence
for fear of conviction and commands
though my hunger pangs
reveal spiritual anorexia
as i indulge my flesh
with instant gratification
(chocolate to calm my soul)
you.
Please throw me overboard
(the bad weather really is my fault)
my friend.
my nearness can cause tempestuous troubles
brother jo prayed in thanksgiving
crying out for deliverance when things got stinky
is singleness my ninevah?
one please, to tarshish.
i want to be loved i want to be united i want to be whole
as i wallow in the murky waters that surround even my soul
the deep closes around me
and the fishiness is now overwhelming
please Sir,
speak to the big fish soon
tell him to spit me out
into the arms of one
who will love me.
(will one love me?)
away from the dark clouds overhead
(or will that persist?)
oh, don't pay attention to that--
its just my brother jo's brat mentality
coming through again.
oh.
and i apologize for the moody cloud that persists.
(3-22-00)
can't believe i wrote that poem over three years ago.... and the metaphor comparing my singleness to ninevah still haunts me. you can think that you have outgrown certain emotions and attitudes and struggles, but when you look back and your emotions at the moment is just as raw as it was three years ago, and you still connect with it... i wonder if that means that life and struggles are entirely circular, or if that just "my voice" (God forbid i have such a depressing and morbid voice!). i know that the misery surrounding my life is, in a sense, self-imposed based on my discontentment with my current situation (romantic and otherwise). granted, certain things do make it worse (like feeling completely abandoned by people who love me, even if it is circumstantial and not intentional). but i know ultimately, its my own attitude and my own fixation upon the matter that makes it so much worse... but i can't seem to turn it around.
"... where can i go from your spirit? where can i go from your presence?" that song is now running through my mind. i know that it is only in Him that i can find any sort of contentment and satisfaction... but i'm scared of running to God right now. i'm not happy with the hand He had dealt me, and yeah... i'm afraid of what might come next. reminds me of yet another poem from a few years back... maybe i'll share that next time.
yep. when it rains... it pours...
(0) comments
