Friday, March 11, 2005
reconfiguring emotions: format c
i was talking to my coworker today (who also happens to be a good friend familar with my internal dialogue regarding honesty and emotions) and she said the funniest thing.
"no format c!"
the analogy is geeky but accurate... when i don't like the way i feel about something, i try to reconfigure it... start over from scratch (for those of you who don't know like i didn't know, "format c" was a way to reconfigure a computer and make it start from scratch).
the last few days have been a bit of an emotional rollercoaster. my mom had some issues that could have been signs of something serious and possibly terminal. when she told me about this and that she's going in for some testing, it really freaked me out. it made me think about need to move home to care for her, it made me miss her... it made me think about what about my life here that i'll miss... it made me realize what i may be and may not be able to let go.
there's a friend i've been trying to distance myself from the last couple of weeks. because i was so sad last night, i broke down and called him. we had a wonderful conversation and as i was telling him about my mom, i realized how short life was. i told him about my fears of moving home and moving on, and he reassured me that its ok because maybe the people in your life now is "just for a season." when i heard that, i realized how no ok it was in my heart that he might only be here in my life now "just for a season" and as much as i've wanted to "format c" my emotions regarding him, it comes back in a new and different way. maybe its just the way we are with each other. the chemistry that exists isn't just about history, its about "getting it" and "getting each other" and being in the moment. makes me think of the idea in "eternal sunshine of the spotless mind."
i've held back a lot concerning this. i've not said much or confronted my thoughts and feelings largely out of fear of rejection, some out of insecurity, and some out of pride. but the thought of leaving behind this life suddenly because of my mom's failing health helped me to see how short life really is. carpe diem sounds so cliched at times... but how much am i allowing fatalism to foster inaction; calling it "being patient" and "trusting God's soveriegnty" and how much of that is just fear, superspiritualizing a situation in order to not have to confront it?
i don't want to be selfish and ruin a friendship. i don't want to burden him with this information when i know that he is busy. but when is there ever going to be a good time for this, and if this friendship is as strong as i think it is, would i be ruining anything? 99.9% of the people whom i have talked with thinks i need to be honest and confront it. am i just being prideful (thinking i can handle more than the average bear) or stubborn (to not listen to wise counsel)? or am i wanting to hold onto something that may not be the healthiest emotionally (allowing emtional attachments to someone and from someone who may not be my husband) for temporal satisfaction? lots to think about... and lots to continue to hand over to God. at this point, i'm thinking i need to set a time limit on this (maybe a week? maybe a month?) and confront it head on... as much as i don't want to do that. it might be for the best. please pray for me, reader. and if you have any wise counsel, please advise.
... today, i'm thankful that God is the wonderful healer, that He keeps us healthy to be able to serve Him... and i'm thankful that He allows situations to happen in order to bring thoughts and motives to the surface.
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i was talking to my coworker today (who also happens to be a good friend familar with my internal dialogue regarding honesty and emotions) and she said the funniest thing.
"no format c!"
the analogy is geeky but accurate... when i don't like the way i feel about something, i try to reconfigure it... start over from scratch (for those of you who don't know like i didn't know, "format c" was a way to reconfigure a computer and make it start from scratch).
the last few days have been a bit of an emotional rollercoaster. my mom had some issues that could have been signs of something serious and possibly terminal. when she told me about this and that she's going in for some testing, it really freaked me out. it made me think about need to move home to care for her, it made me miss her... it made me think about what about my life here that i'll miss... it made me realize what i may be and may not be able to let go.
there's a friend i've been trying to distance myself from the last couple of weeks. because i was so sad last night, i broke down and called him. we had a wonderful conversation and as i was telling him about my mom, i realized how short life was. i told him about my fears of moving home and moving on, and he reassured me that its ok because maybe the people in your life now is "just for a season." when i heard that, i realized how no ok it was in my heart that he might only be here in my life now "just for a season" and as much as i've wanted to "format c" my emotions regarding him, it comes back in a new and different way. maybe its just the way we are with each other. the chemistry that exists isn't just about history, its about "getting it" and "getting each other" and being in the moment. makes me think of the idea in "eternal sunshine of the spotless mind."
i've held back a lot concerning this. i've not said much or confronted my thoughts and feelings largely out of fear of rejection, some out of insecurity, and some out of pride. but the thought of leaving behind this life suddenly because of my mom's failing health helped me to see how short life really is. carpe diem sounds so cliched at times... but how much am i allowing fatalism to foster inaction; calling it "being patient" and "trusting God's soveriegnty" and how much of that is just fear, superspiritualizing a situation in order to not have to confront it?
i don't want to be selfish and ruin a friendship. i don't want to burden him with this information when i know that he is busy. but when is there ever going to be a good time for this, and if this friendship is as strong as i think it is, would i be ruining anything? 99.9% of the people whom i have talked with thinks i need to be honest and confront it. am i just being prideful (thinking i can handle more than the average bear) or stubborn (to not listen to wise counsel)? or am i wanting to hold onto something that may not be the healthiest emotionally (allowing emtional attachments to someone and from someone who may not be my husband) for temporal satisfaction? lots to think about... and lots to continue to hand over to God. at this point, i'm thinking i need to set a time limit on this (maybe a week? maybe a month?) and confront it head on... as much as i don't want to do that. it might be for the best. please pray for me, reader. and if you have any wise counsel, please advise.
... today, i'm thankful that God is the wonderful healer, that He keeps us healthy to be able to serve Him... and i'm thankful that He allows situations to happen in order to bring thoughts and motives to the surface.
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Wednesday, March 09, 2005
what a difference a day makes...
ironic that this song is playing on my launchcast when i already had this titled... even more ironic is the "difference" is the opposite turn from this song.
yesterday i was hopeful. today i am sad. all in a mere 24 hour period (no wonder they can make a whole season of a show based on one 24 hour period).
i think sadness and pensiveness isn't always bad... its actually probably really good. the onlyt bummer is that it just doesn't feel so good. i had an interesting conversation with a new friend yesterday that spawned this new pensiveness... which really brings in a lot of things i've thought about in the past. he confronted me on the fact that i'm not honest with my emotions and deconstructed some of my self-protective matrices. because i generally have a soft heart and i tend to be emotional by nature, i have learned to "make logical" my emotions and even reinforced the structure with theology and Biblical principles. Unfortunately, this "thinker" called me on it and has found my attempts to have proven unsuccessful and as he puts it, illogical. somewhere along the way of making emotions logical, they have somehow mutated into something that fits nicely into "my world" and my conception of reality, but most likely not the way it is in the real world. like my affections for certain individuals.
what a difference a day makes... when romance is on the menu...
so, what's wrong with this "coping" mechanism? isn't it ok to cope? what he pointed out is that our coping matrices is our version of "salvation." i deduced that to mean that in my attempts to cope, i have written out my need for my Savior in this aspect of my life. is that true? as i look back, i probably do pray a lot less than i do because i have found a way to not be as "sad" about my situation. i've constructed this reality in order to be able to feel confident despite unfavorable circumstances, to be able to maintain worth when external factors (attention or lack thereof) threaten that worth. after all, confidence is what you project, and what you project dictates whether you are attractive or not... so its entirely circular, and self-constructed and... pragmatic? or something. but when does confidence and self-worth cross the line of pride? and where does the idea of humility fit into all of this? does it? if it doesn't something must be wrong with the construct... and as painful as it is, doesn't unrequited love help us better identify with our Savior?
then there's the idea that how we act in obedience to the Word is more important than how we feel because we often can't control our emotions but we can control our actions. i believe this to be true. but if we act according to what we know and that is not in line with how we feel, there's a bifurcation of mind and body that fuels dualism... and that's bad. the reintegration of our comparmentalized lives is what we ought to be aiming for... i'm sure it has something to do with integrity. but if our emotions and passions leads us to actions that contradict Scriptural principles, what do you do?
i think what i've figured out as i was talking to another friend is yes, i do believe in obedience and living by biblical principles... and so i try to do so regardless of emotions. i set limits and constraints on my actions and thus redefine my emotions based on principles... and i guess that's how my subconscious defense matrix was built. i do seek to have integrity of emotion and actions, and i guess that's why i try to allow my actions to reinform my emotions. unfortunately, that has come across as disingenuous or illogical when in fact, i'm just trying to do what's right. the "construct" wasn't an intentional, self-deceptive one that was erected for the purpose of self-protection. it just kinda "happened" as i was trying to act rightly. there was good intentions surrounding its establishment. but now that my attention has been pointed in its direction as to why it may not be such a good thing, its time for reevaluation, reconfiguration, or even dissembling (if need be).
what a difference a day makes... and the difference is you
so, perhaps there is a need for the integration of emotions and actions. perhaps there is a need to deconstruct this matrix. and how should one function in light of this "uncovering"? unfortunately, it isn't something i can just think about without coming to some sort of resolution and plan of action based on thinking. thoughts? suggestions? anyone? anyone?
... today, i'm thankful that God uses people and situations to bring things to mind that needs refining... and that He is patient with us despite our silliness.
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ironic that this song is playing on my launchcast when i already had this titled... even more ironic is the "difference" is the opposite turn from this song.
yesterday i was hopeful. today i am sad. all in a mere 24 hour period (no wonder they can make a whole season of a show based on one 24 hour period).
i think sadness and pensiveness isn't always bad... its actually probably really good. the onlyt bummer is that it just doesn't feel so good. i had an interesting conversation with a new friend yesterday that spawned this new pensiveness... which really brings in a lot of things i've thought about in the past. he confronted me on the fact that i'm not honest with my emotions and deconstructed some of my self-protective matrices. because i generally have a soft heart and i tend to be emotional by nature, i have learned to "make logical" my emotions and even reinforced the structure with theology and Biblical principles. Unfortunately, this "thinker" called me on it and has found my attempts to have proven unsuccessful and as he puts it, illogical. somewhere along the way of making emotions logical, they have somehow mutated into something that fits nicely into "my world" and my conception of reality, but most likely not the way it is in the real world. like my affections for certain individuals.
what a difference a day makes... when romance is on the menu...
so, what's wrong with this "coping" mechanism? isn't it ok to cope? what he pointed out is that our coping matrices is our version of "salvation." i deduced that to mean that in my attempts to cope, i have written out my need for my Savior in this aspect of my life. is that true? as i look back, i probably do pray a lot less than i do because i have found a way to not be as "sad" about my situation. i've constructed this reality in order to be able to feel confident despite unfavorable circumstances, to be able to maintain worth when external factors (attention or lack thereof) threaten that worth. after all, confidence is what you project, and what you project dictates whether you are attractive or not... so its entirely circular, and self-constructed and... pragmatic? or something. but when does confidence and self-worth cross the line of pride? and where does the idea of humility fit into all of this? does it? if it doesn't something must be wrong with the construct... and as painful as it is, doesn't unrequited love help us better identify with our Savior?
then there's the idea that how we act in obedience to the Word is more important than how we feel because we often can't control our emotions but we can control our actions. i believe this to be true. but if we act according to what we know and that is not in line with how we feel, there's a bifurcation of mind and body that fuels dualism... and that's bad. the reintegration of our comparmentalized lives is what we ought to be aiming for... i'm sure it has something to do with integrity. but if our emotions and passions leads us to actions that contradict Scriptural principles, what do you do?
i think what i've figured out as i was talking to another friend is yes, i do believe in obedience and living by biblical principles... and so i try to do so regardless of emotions. i set limits and constraints on my actions and thus redefine my emotions based on principles... and i guess that's how my subconscious defense matrix was built. i do seek to have integrity of emotion and actions, and i guess that's why i try to allow my actions to reinform my emotions. unfortunately, that has come across as disingenuous or illogical when in fact, i'm just trying to do what's right. the "construct" wasn't an intentional, self-deceptive one that was erected for the purpose of self-protection. it just kinda "happened" as i was trying to act rightly. there was good intentions surrounding its establishment. but now that my attention has been pointed in its direction as to why it may not be such a good thing, its time for reevaluation, reconfiguration, or even dissembling (if need be).
what a difference a day makes... and the difference is you
so, perhaps there is a need for the integration of emotions and actions. perhaps there is a need to deconstruct this matrix. and how should one function in light of this "uncovering"? unfortunately, it isn't something i can just think about without coming to some sort of resolution and plan of action based on thinking. thoughts? suggestions? anyone? anyone?
... today, i'm thankful that God uses people and situations to bring things to mind that needs refining... and that He is patient with us despite our silliness.
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Tuesday, March 08, 2005
hopeful. eager anticipation for future good...
this morning, the train was late... again. this is not uncommon, but as i stood on the platform, watching for the train, and watching people watch for the train, i was struck by the visual image i encountered... people of all different backgrounds, ages, etc. stretching their necks and directing their eyes towards the same direction... eagerly waiting for the arrival of the purple line train. it wasn't that there was no other train available... this station served two other lines. people opted to wait for the express purple line train while 3-5 red line trains passed by.
that visual made me think of how the Jews must have waited in eager anticipation for their messiah... and how we ought to wait in eager anticipation for Jesus' return. yet so often, we eagerly await a plethora of things rather than the one on which we should set our hopes. and no wonder we are disappointed.
there was one day when i was a bit late (as usual) and as i approached the platform, i followed a crowd of people boarding a the train, not realizing that i was on the red line instead of the purple. it was too late for me to exit, so i rode the long ride into town that day. the careless "hop" onto that train was a definite detour. eventually, was able to get off the red line and reboard the purple line, but the long stretch that the purple line express skipped i had to endure on the red line.
this makes me think of a friend of mine who God has placed into my life recently... the verse "the Lord is not slow about His promise, as some count slowness, but is patient toward you, not wishing for any to perish but for all to come to repentance" 2 peter 3:9. i know this is not really like waiting for the train, but for some reason, as the train arrived, that's the verse (or the gist of that verse) came through my mind... and i remembered also that its been a while since i've blogged. i've been praying for this friend, waiting for her to wake up from the life that she currently lives and it breaks my heart. i know i don't love her nearly as much as God does... and i know that the things i've longed for or waited for, as much as it is difficult for me to wait, is nothing compared to the patience that God takes with us. He really is amazing, isn't He?
i'm also thankful that despite all of the changes in my life, i have had a bout of hope... the possibilities of teaching, or going back to grad school or whatevers has just made me so excited to be alive... and excited to see where God will lead next. i'm just trying my best to stay faithful where i am and not worry too far down the road. i'm confident that He has it all under His control and in His hands... and that truly has been comforting. its not like my life is soooo dramatically different than last year, its just His grace in granting me this perspective, and just trying to the best of my ability to live in obedience. for some reason, the verse that it makes me think of is gen 4:6-7 "then the LORD said to cain, 'why are you angry? and why has your countenance fallen? if you do well, will not your countenance be lifted up? and if you do not do well, sin is crouching at the door; and its desire is for you, but you must master it.'" as simple as it is... it is so difficult to live. i hope for my friend that she would find that truth to be the answer as well.
... today, i'm thankful for God's goodness... that in it, we can find hope, and that in the simplicity of obedience, God graciously allows us to feel a peace that affirms to our hearts that He is pleased.
(0) comments
this morning, the train was late... again. this is not uncommon, but as i stood on the platform, watching for the train, and watching people watch for the train, i was struck by the visual image i encountered... people of all different backgrounds, ages, etc. stretching their necks and directing their eyes towards the same direction... eagerly waiting for the arrival of the purple line train. it wasn't that there was no other train available... this station served two other lines. people opted to wait for the express purple line train while 3-5 red line trains passed by.
that visual made me think of how the Jews must have waited in eager anticipation for their messiah... and how we ought to wait in eager anticipation for Jesus' return. yet so often, we eagerly await a plethora of things rather than the one on which we should set our hopes. and no wonder we are disappointed.
there was one day when i was a bit late (as usual) and as i approached the platform, i followed a crowd of people boarding a the train, not realizing that i was on the red line instead of the purple. it was too late for me to exit, so i rode the long ride into town that day. the careless "hop" onto that train was a definite detour. eventually, was able to get off the red line and reboard the purple line, but the long stretch that the purple line express skipped i had to endure on the red line.
this makes me think of a friend of mine who God has placed into my life recently... the verse "the Lord is not slow about His promise, as some count slowness, but is patient toward you, not wishing for any to perish but for all to come to repentance" 2 peter 3:9. i know this is not really like waiting for the train, but for some reason, as the train arrived, that's the verse (or the gist of that verse) came through my mind... and i remembered also that its been a while since i've blogged. i've been praying for this friend, waiting for her to wake up from the life that she currently lives and it breaks my heart. i know i don't love her nearly as much as God does... and i know that the things i've longed for or waited for, as much as it is difficult for me to wait, is nothing compared to the patience that God takes with us. He really is amazing, isn't He?
i'm also thankful that despite all of the changes in my life, i have had a bout of hope... the possibilities of teaching, or going back to grad school or whatevers has just made me so excited to be alive... and excited to see where God will lead next. i'm just trying my best to stay faithful where i am and not worry too far down the road. i'm confident that He has it all under His control and in His hands... and that truly has been comforting. its not like my life is soooo dramatically different than last year, its just His grace in granting me this perspective, and just trying to the best of my ability to live in obedience. for some reason, the verse that it makes me think of is gen 4:6-7 "then the LORD said to cain, 'why are you angry? and why has your countenance fallen? if you do well, will not your countenance be lifted up? and if you do not do well, sin is crouching at the door; and its desire is for you, but you must master it.'" as simple as it is... it is so difficult to live. i hope for my friend that she would find that truth to be the answer as well.
... today, i'm thankful for God's goodness... that in it, we can find hope, and that in the simplicity of obedience, God graciously allows us to feel a peace that affirms to our hearts that He is pleased.
(0) comments
