Friday, May 07, 2004
love... expression? fear ... reticence... self-protection... pride?
the end.
would you be frustrated, reader, if i just left it at that? (i've always liked it -- in jane austen novels -- when the narrator address the reader directly). yes, its been a while, so i'm guessing its time for some deep thoughts. this passing thought came late one night this week, and i'm still not sure what to do with it.
i had a weird dream that somehow i found out through the grapevine that kirk couldn't stop losing weight. my first instinct was worry for him and i wanted to call to see how he was doing. but i realized there was no emotion behind that feeling and i decided that i would just not bother with it. besides, i had already decided that its not my place to care.
then i woke up.
the dream felt so real, but also so absurd at the same time. it made me realize how emotionally removed i can become with people and situations for what and whom i at one point cared so much. does that mean i didn't really care for them or love them? because if i did, how could i stop so quickly and so abruptly? usually, that is what i would conclude. its almost like a weird version of the answer people give for "backsliding" christians... "well... maybe they were never saved to begin with"... "well, i probably didn't REALLY love them... otherwise i would still love them now." as i look back on this situation, though, i think it may be too simplistic or reductionistic way of seeing it.
if i were being honest with myself and the past, i know that i've loved kirk. very much so. i can't rewrite the past based on my present feelings. so what does that mean about the quality of my love? that its fickle and undependable?
i was talking to a friend about how our past influences our present... in terms of past hurts affecting our present thoughts and feelings. how much of that is a good defense mechanism and just the way we are meant to protect ourselves from certain hurts, and how much of it is unhealthy and preventative of truly "experiencing" life and love? i think love is certainly a very risky thing. its a lot like stocks, really... high risk -- high returns; low risk -- low returns.
i've never thought of myself as a risk-adversed individual, but maybe i'm more so than i realized. well, i guess even that's all relative. compared to my asian counterparts, i'm definitely a risk taker... but compared to my fire-ball latina roommate, i'm subdued and seemingly risk-adversed. as i've observed the manner in which she handles her heart and love life, i've realized that i'm both nervous and envious of her at the same time. it scares me how she puts her heart on the line and how she's willing to risk so much in loving... how honest she is with her emotions. i can see why even though it seems foolish in my eyes, that in the end, it may be "worth it." yes... there is a point where throwing caution to the wind is unwise, but there's also something very honest, human, and even humble about it. sometimes, i can see how there's a lot of pride in my attempts to self-protection. there is biblical truth that tells us to guard our hearts, but the concept of love that is described is also wildly powerful -- calling for reckless abandon.
in discussing this with this friend, i confessed that i took risks before with my heart that i'm unwilling to take now because i'm not willing to trust God with the situation at hand. it is very true that love is a choice... and i'm choosing not to love someone who has hurt me and could potentially continue to hurt me if i allow myself to love. so, is my choice to stop loving self-protective? yes. is that wise? seemingly so. is it prideful? perhaps. is it good? depends on the definition of good. is it Christlike? doesn't seem so. it is indeed difficult to discern whether self-protectiveness is prideful and ultimately revealing of a lack of trust in God, and how much of it is excercising practical wisdom.
so... i'm not quite sure what to think... its just some things i'm mulling over. i will be sure to follow up once i figure more out. in the meantime, i'm happy that these thoughts aren't bogging me down too much, and that i can enjoy the strange phenomenon of "having the stars rightly aligned"... providing me with an unusually beamy smiley day... either that, or its a REALLY good sugar rush.
today, i'm thankful for ice cream and sugar rushes. :o) especially vanilla ice cream. it makes me smile. :o)
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the end.
would you be frustrated, reader, if i just left it at that? (i've always liked it -- in jane austen novels -- when the narrator address the reader directly). yes, its been a while, so i'm guessing its time for some deep thoughts. this passing thought came late one night this week, and i'm still not sure what to do with it.
i had a weird dream that somehow i found out through the grapevine that kirk couldn't stop losing weight. my first instinct was worry for him and i wanted to call to see how he was doing. but i realized there was no emotion behind that feeling and i decided that i would just not bother with it. besides, i had already decided that its not my place to care.
then i woke up.
the dream felt so real, but also so absurd at the same time. it made me realize how emotionally removed i can become with people and situations for what and whom i at one point cared so much. does that mean i didn't really care for them or love them? because if i did, how could i stop so quickly and so abruptly? usually, that is what i would conclude. its almost like a weird version of the answer people give for "backsliding" christians... "well... maybe they were never saved to begin with"... "well, i probably didn't REALLY love them... otherwise i would still love them now." as i look back on this situation, though, i think it may be too simplistic or reductionistic way of seeing it.
if i were being honest with myself and the past, i know that i've loved kirk. very much so. i can't rewrite the past based on my present feelings. so what does that mean about the quality of my love? that its fickle and undependable?
i was talking to a friend about how our past influences our present... in terms of past hurts affecting our present thoughts and feelings. how much of that is a good defense mechanism and just the way we are meant to protect ourselves from certain hurts, and how much of it is unhealthy and preventative of truly "experiencing" life and love? i think love is certainly a very risky thing. its a lot like stocks, really... high risk -- high returns; low risk -- low returns.
i've never thought of myself as a risk-adversed individual, but maybe i'm more so than i realized. well, i guess even that's all relative. compared to my asian counterparts, i'm definitely a risk taker... but compared to my fire-ball latina roommate, i'm subdued and seemingly risk-adversed. as i've observed the manner in which she handles her heart and love life, i've realized that i'm both nervous and envious of her at the same time. it scares me how she puts her heart on the line and how she's willing to risk so much in loving... how honest she is with her emotions. i can see why even though it seems foolish in my eyes, that in the end, it may be "worth it." yes... there is a point where throwing caution to the wind is unwise, but there's also something very honest, human, and even humble about it. sometimes, i can see how there's a lot of pride in my attempts to self-protection. there is biblical truth that tells us to guard our hearts, but the concept of love that is described is also wildly powerful -- calling for reckless abandon.
in discussing this with this friend, i confessed that i took risks before with my heart that i'm unwilling to take now because i'm not willing to trust God with the situation at hand. it is very true that love is a choice... and i'm choosing not to love someone who has hurt me and could potentially continue to hurt me if i allow myself to love. so, is my choice to stop loving self-protective? yes. is that wise? seemingly so. is it prideful? perhaps. is it good? depends on the definition of good. is it Christlike? doesn't seem so. it is indeed difficult to discern whether self-protectiveness is prideful and ultimately revealing of a lack of trust in God, and how much of it is excercising practical wisdom.
so... i'm not quite sure what to think... its just some things i'm mulling over. i will be sure to follow up once i figure more out. in the meantime, i'm happy that these thoughts aren't bogging me down too much, and that i can enjoy the strange phenomenon of "having the stars rightly aligned"... providing me with an unusually beamy smiley day... either that, or its a REALLY good sugar rush.
today, i'm thankful for ice cream and sugar rushes. :o) especially vanilla ice cream. it makes me smile. :o)
(0) comments
Wednesday, May 05, 2004
i am thankful, that i'm incapable... of doing any good on my own...
as i was working out today, i realized how lucky i am that i'm not prone to sickness. a coworker of mine is sick again and as much as i complain about my body image, etc, i am soooo thankful that i am healthy enough to keep my workout regimen. so... i'm thinking that when i blog, i tend to be in my pensive moods in which i tend to be less up-beat, so i think i'm going to try to have one thing i'm thankful for at the end of each blog... if for nothing else, but perspective. so for today...
i'm thankful that i'm a generally healthy individual.
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as i was working out today, i realized how lucky i am that i'm not prone to sickness. a coworker of mine is sick again and as much as i complain about my body image, etc, i am soooo thankful that i am healthy enough to keep my workout regimen. so... i'm thinking that when i blog, i tend to be in my pensive moods in which i tend to be less up-beat, so i think i'm going to try to have one thing i'm thankful for at the end of each blog... if for nothing else, but perspective. so for today...
i'm thankful that i'm a generally healthy individual.
(0) comments
