Wednesday, March 31, 2004
hunger: n.
1. a. a strong desire or need for food. b. the discomfort, weakness, or pain caused by prolong lack of food.
2. a strong desire or craving: a hunger for affection.
v. tr. to cause to experience hunger, make hungry.
a few friends and i are on this strict detox diet for two weeks... so the idea of hunger has been on my mind. my first thought was, hey... i can do anything for 14 days, right? its not that long. so, vanity overruled good reason and i have decided to follow this plan that eliminates sugar, salt, carbs, etc. (basically, anything that really makes life interesting).
day one was not bad. other than an unexpected visitor who brought me ice tea, i did relatively well in abiding by the plan. day two was harder... i was so zapped of energy i had a hard time staying awake during the day. that night as i was doing more reading in this book about body image and spirituality (which has been really great, btw), i realized how ironic it was that i was trying to break out of this mental obsession with body image by reading this book while still trying to wreak havoc on my body with this strict diet. so, almost as if i were acting out of conviction from the book i was reading (the principle that i really shouldn't care), i decided to cheat on this diet. that rash decision, though definitely satisfying, overruled my desire to be self-controlled with this diet.
its like situation no-win.
so i decided last night that i would continue on with this diet, but not going to allow it to impede my life. for example, if i'm so hungry during the day that i'll be zapped of energy, i will allow myself to eat enough carbs to not feel that way. perhaps that'll take more moderation and self-control, or perhaps that will be a good mental excercize because i'm not depriving myself of anything really (and maybe in "not really" depriving myself, i wouldn't sense the need so much)... its all mind games.
day three. sitting here working, some stuff that has been going on entered my mind and it was followed by a gnawing pang in my stomach. mmm... am i hungry? or is this caused by my thoughts? maybe i've just been more pensive anyway, but the correlation made me think about what i've been challenged by in what i've been hearing and reading (about longing and desire). maybe my strong desire or need for something else that is beyond my control is causing me to look for fulfillment in food subconsciously. and if its ok for me to feel lack (as is discussed in this book), then is it also ok for me to feel hungry? and what if that lack is so strong that it interfers with my ability to function (like hunger did yesterday)? then how do i make due? do i try to make due?
perhaps all of this is more and more a real picture and reminder of where true needs and true fulfillment lies. unfortunately, even knowing all that, sometimes you still want the easy fix for the satisfaction of need and desire. man... and i thought 14 days is short... this is only day 3.
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1. a. a strong desire or need for food. b. the discomfort, weakness, or pain caused by prolong lack of food.
2. a strong desire or craving: a hunger for affection.
v. tr. to cause to experience hunger, make hungry.
a few friends and i are on this strict detox diet for two weeks... so the idea of hunger has been on my mind. my first thought was, hey... i can do anything for 14 days, right? its not that long. so, vanity overruled good reason and i have decided to follow this plan that eliminates sugar, salt, carbs, etc. (basically, anything that really makes life interesting).
day one was not bad. other than an unexpected visitor who brought me ice tea, i did relatively well in abiding by the plan. day two was harder... i was so zapped of energy i had a hard time staying awake during the day. that night as i was doing more reading in this book about body image and spirituality (which has been really great, btw), i realized how ironic it was that i was trying to break out of this mental obsession with body image by reading this book while still trying to wreak havoc on my body with this strict diet. so, almost as if i were acting out of conviction from the book i was reading (the principle that i really shouldn't care), i decided to cheat on this diet. that rash decision, though definitely satisfying, overruled my desire to be self-controlled with this diet.
its like situation no-win.
so i decided last night that i would continue on with this diet, but not going to allow it to impede my life. for example, if i'm so hungry during the day that i'll be zapped of energy, i will allow myself to eat enough carbs to not feel that way. perhaps that'll take more moderation and self-control, or perhaps that will be a good mental excercize because i'm not depriving myself of anything really (and maybe in "not really" depriving myself, i wouldn't sense the need so much)... its all mind games.
day three. sitting here working, some stuff that has been going on entered my mind and it was followed by a gnawing pang in my stomach. mmm... am i hungry? or is this caused by my thoughts? maybe i've just been more pensive anyway, but the correlation made me think about what i've been challenged by in what i've been hearing and reading (about longing and desire). maybe my strong desire or need for something else that is beyond my control is causing me to look for fulfillment in food subconsciously. and if its ok for me to feel lack (as is discussed in this book), then is it also ok for me to feel hungry? and what if that lack is so strong that it interfers with my ability to function (like hunger did yesterday)? then how do i make due? do i try to make due?
perhaps all of this is more and more a real picture and reminder of where true needs and true fulfillment lies. unfortunately, even knowing all that, sometimes you still want the easy fix for the satisfaction of need and desire. man... and i thought 14 days is short... this is only day 3.
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Tuesday, March 30, 2004
(continuing...)
huh?
if "lack" is a God shaped void that points and drives us to be satisfied in Him, then it is built into us. it may be uncomfortable, but not a bad thing from which we ought to desire escape. our western sense of freedom coupled with our culture's desire for more has so clouded our appropriate view of lack, that we try to fill it with other things. these "other things" never satisfy. this isn't new. what's interesting is that we're always trying to find new ways to be free from that lack... but it is an impossible desire. we want to be freed from the obstacles that we imagine standing in the way of love, desire, fulfillment... acting as if there is something we can do to actually attain those things.
interesting discussion in class today about the letter to laodicea in (rev 3:14ff). the prof was talking about how the metaphor about the hot and cold is often used out of context. people often think that lukewarm is worse than even cold, when what the historical context tells us is that both hot and cold water are beneficial and useful. the exhortation to this church just really connected to what i've been thinking about...
"because you say, 'i am rich, and have become wealthy, and have need of nothing,' and you do not know that you are wretched and miserable and poor and blind and naked, i advise you to buy from Me gold refine by fire so that you may become rich, and white garments so that you may clothe yourself, and that the shame of your nakedness will not be revealed; and eye salve to anoint your eyes so that you may see. those whom i love, i reprove and disciplinel therefore be zealous and repent." (rev 3:17-19)
it was the pride and self-sufficiency of this "doing pretty well" church that somehow neglected to see their need for God. somehow, their prosperity as a society and probably within the church caused them to feel a lack of need... and that their own successes has provided them a taste of "freedom from lack." i'm sure this church probably thought they were doing things for God... much like i was. but that spirit of freedom and independence is associated with what God calls lukewarm... a lack of regard and need for him.
all goes back once again to pride. pride that desires self-protection... pride that desires freedom from lack... and pride is what stands in stark contrast to the heart that God loves to bless... "for God is opposed to the proud, but gives grace to the humble...."
"... will you extend me... will you extend me grace, just a little grace...."
(0) comments
huh?
if "lack" is a God shaped void that points and drives us to be satisfied in Him, then it is built into us. it may be uncomfortable, but not a bad thing from which we ought to desire escape. our western sense of freedom coupled with our culture's desire for more has so clouded our appropriate view of lack, that we try to fill it with other things. these "other things" never satisfy. this isn't new. what's interesting is that we're always trying to find new ways to be free from that lack... but it is an impossible desire. we want to be freed from the obstacles that we imagine standing in the way of love, desire, fulfillment... acting as if there is something we can do to actually attain those things.
interesting discussion in class today about the letter to laodicea in (rev 3:14ff). the prof was talking about how the metaphor about the hot and cold is often used out of context. people often think that lukewarm is worse than even cold, when what the historical context tells us is that both hot and cold water are beneficial and useful. the exhortation to this church just really connected to what i've been thinking about...
"because you say, 'i am rich, and have become wealthy, and have need of nothing,' and you do not know that you are wretched and miserable and poor and blind and naked, i advise you to buy from Me gold refine by fire so that you may become rich, and white garments so that you may clothe yourself, and that the shame of your nakedness will not be revealed; and eye salve to anoint your eyes so that you may see. those whom i love, i reprove and disciplinel therefore be zealous and repent." (rev 3:17-19)
it was the pride and self-sufficiency of this "doing pretty well" church that somehow neglected to see their need for God. somehow, their prosperity as a society and probably within the church caused them to feel a lack of need... and that their own successes has provided them a taste of "freedom from lack." i'm sure this church probably thought they were doing things for God... much like i was. but that spirit of freedom and independence is associated with what God calls lukewarm... a lack of regard and need for him.
all goes back once again to pride. pride that desires self-protection... pride that desires freedom from lack... and pride is what stands in stark contrast to the heart that God loves to bless... "for God is opposed to the proud, but gives grace to the humble...."
"... will you extend me... will you extend me grace, just a little grace...."
(0) comments
Monday, March 29, 2004
i'm back. :o)
maybe its the emergence of spring, but i really feel like i've finally crawled back into my own skin after the last few months of extended blah. there were moments of glimmer even during that time, but i just felt like i was walking around with this dark cloud over me. the dark cloud of situations and circumstanced caused me to turn inward and slowly become self-protective. if temptation leads to sin, and sin leads to death, the self-protection leads to selfishiness, and selfishness leads to a whole lot of sin.
God's timing is truly impeccable. after a week of a lot yuck, i really felt like God used the seminar this past saturday to put me in front of the mirror of His word and shine His light on me... revealing the point i've known in my mind but have been missing in my life. He showed me that the dark cloud over me was, ironically, that sense of self-preservation turned selfishness -- something what this saturday seminar called "me-ology."
western evangelicalism, the speaker claimed, is plagued with the disease of "cat theology" -- the idea that since "you feed me, you shelter me, you love me... i must be God." poignant. we chuckle uncomfortably. regardless of how much we'd like to deny this, our human nature causes us to live "christian humanism" at best and "pratical atheism" at worse. its very easy to focus on "the doing." its practical. its tangible. even though the living isn't easy to perfect, what needs to be "done" is easy to grasp. so easy, sometimes that we can get lost in the "whats" and "hows" of living the Christian life that it runs automatic. the problem with this is that it can easily become drudgery if you miss the point of the why.
for me... the why somehow creeped in the back door. the "why" for me became the desire to be loved. the "why" for me became the pursuit of happiness through love regardless. i realized that God not allowing me to find it my way, frustrating as it was, is definitely a blessing. the "world's" equation that i had somehow bought into didn't work for me. it was frustrating because though i seem to have been doing everything right, the results didn't logically follow. and one wonders why i'm so fatalistic. that was the unfortunate "dark cloud" -- that it felt like nothing i did really mattered and no matter how hard i try, i couldn't get what i had wanted.
i'm reading this really cool book that elaborated on a concept in which the nuance really fascinated me. there is nothing new under the sun, so the truth isn't new, but the articulation of it made me think. the woman, writing that our society always wants and wants (and usually something that is unattainable). this feeling of "lack" isn't necessarily a bad thing, she writes. the problem, it seems, is that our idea of freedom is "freedom from lack" rather than even a satisfaction for the lack.
huh?
if "lack" is a God shaped void that points and drives us to be satisfied in Him, or society has so clouded it, that we try to fill it with other things. these "other things" never satisfy. this isn't new. what's interesting is that we're always trying to find new ways to be free from lack... but it is an impossible desire. we want to be freed from...
(to be continued...)
(0) comments
maybe its the emergence of spring, but i really feel like i've finally crawled back into my own skin after the last few months of extended blah. there were moments of glimmer even during that time, but i just felt like i was walking around with this dark cloud over me. the dark cloud of situations and circumstanced caused me to turn inward and slowly become self-protective. if temptation leads to sin, and sin leads to death, the self-protection leads to selfishiness, and selfishness leads to a whole lot of sin.
God's timing is truly impeccable. after a week of a lot yuck, i really felt like God used the seminar this past saturday to put me in front of the mirror of His word and shine His light on me... revealing the point i've known in my mind but have been missing in my life. He showed me that the dark cloud over me was, ironically, that sense of self-preservation turned selfishness -- something what this saturday seminar called "me-ology."
western evangelicalism, the speaker claimed, is plagued with the disease of "cat theology" -- the idea that since "you feed me, you shelter me, you love me... i must be God." poignant. we chuckle uncomfortably. regardless of how much we'd like to deny this, our human nature causes us to live "christian humanism" at best and "pratical atheism" at worse. its very easy to focus on "the doing." its practical. its tangible. even though the living isn't easy to perfect, what needs to be "done" is easy to grasp. so easy, sometimes that we can get lost in the "whats" and "hows" of living the Christian life that it runs automatic. the problem with this is that it can easily become drudgery if you miss the point of the why.
for me... the why somehow creeped in the back door. the "why" for me became the desire to be loved. the "why" for me became the pursuit of happiness through love regardless. i realized that God not allowing me to find it my way, frustrating as it was, is definitely a blessing. the "world's" equation that i had somehow bought into didn't work for me. it was frustrating because though i seem to have been doing everything right, the results didn't logically follow. and one wonders why i'm so fatalistic. that was the unfortunate "dark cloud" -- that it felt like nothing i did really mattered and no matter how hard i try, i couldn't get what i had wanted.
i'm reading this really cool book that elaborated on a concept in which the nuance really fascinated me. there is nothing new under the sun, so the truth isn't new, but the articulation of it made me think. the woman, writing that our society always wants and wants (and usually something that is unattainable). this feeling of "lack" isn't necessarily a bad thing, she writes. the problem, it seems, is that our idea of freedom is "freedom from lack" rather than even a satisfaction for the lack.
huh?
if "lack" is a God shaped void that points and drives us to be satisfied in Him, or society has so clouded it, that we try to fill it with other things. these "other things" never satisfy. this isn't new. what's interesting is that we're always trying to find new ways to be free from lack... but it is an impossible desire. we want to be freed from...
(to be continued...)
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