my ramblings...

my initial intention for the blog was to try to write more regularly... something that will get my creativity going... but now, i have a feeling it might just turn out to be one big whine-fest, but hey. i need an outlet. isn't that what writing is for? perhaps writers are just too poor or too cheap for real therapy...

chicago weather

journey threw jonah up
on the beach
please throw me up
likewise to the place
You want me

i identify with my ancient brother
not because he was a great preacher
unto repentance and salvation
but because of our similar

brat mentality

silly jo
as if you could run from
the presence of the Almighty God
(just by distancing from jerusalem)

just as silly me
refuse to feast on Your presence
for fear of conviction and commands
though my hunger pangs
reveal spiritual anorexia
as i indulge my flesh
with instant gratification

(chocolate to calm my soul)

you.

Please throw me overboard
(the bad weather really is my fault)
my friend.
my nearness can cause tempestuous troubles

brother jo prayed in thanksgiving
crying out for deliverance when things got stinky

is singleness my ninevah?

one please, to tarshish.
i want to be loved i want to be united i want to be whole
as i wallow in the murky waters that surround even my soul
the deep closes around me
and the fishiness is now overwhelming

please Sir,
speak to the big fish soon
tell him to spit me out
into the arms of one
who will love me.
(will one love me?)

away from the dark clouds overhead
(or will that persist?)

oh, don't pay attention to that--
its just my brother jo's brat mentality
coming through again.

oh.

and i apologize for the moody cloud that persists.

(3-22-00)

can't believe i wrote that poem over three years ago.... and the metaphor comparing my singleness to ninevah still haunts me. you can think that you have outgrown certain emotions and attitudes and struggles, but when you look back and your emotions at the moment is just as raw as it was three years ago, and you still connect with it... i wonder if that means that life and struggles are entirely circular, or if that just "my voice" (God forbid i have such a depressing and morbid voice!). i know that the misery surrounding my life is, in a sense, self-imposed based on my discontentment with my current situation (romantic and otherwise). granted, certain things do make it worse (like feeling completely abandoned by people who love me, even if it is circumstantial and not intentional). but i know ultimately, its my own attitude and my own fixation upon the matter that makes it so much worse... but i can't seem to turn it around.

"... where can i go from your spirit? where can i go from your presence?" that song is now running through my mind. i know that it is only in Him that i can find any sort of contentment and satisfaction... but i'm scared of running to God right now. i'm not happy with the hand He had dealt me, and yeah... i'm afraid of what might come next. reminds me of yet another poem from a few years back... maybe i'll share that next time.

yep. when it rains... it pours...