my ramblings...

per 4.2.03's blog about not being happy with the hand God had dealt me....

Holy Wholly Holey

excuse me, Sir
don’t mean to pry
but I could not help
but to ask why
You choose to use
a filthy, broken vessel
like me.

the stain’s been there
for exactly four years
yesterday, and i don’t
mean to doubt
but i hardly think that it will go away now…

pardon me, Master
don’t mean to come across
disrespectful
i know i have no right to
question—

but Your method…
it makes little sense—
breaking me to pieces
makes me holey…
i don’t understand
how it will make me whole

the stain has not gone away,
and the scars from the last
breaking still has yet to heal
and i see Your hand
coming at me again.

Not that I’m complaining….
Well, maybe a little
But I don’t mean to… I promise
not quite sure how it works
‘cause i can’t hold water
with those gaping scars
and when i try to mend them
with the wax of self
love and pride
You put me through the refinery and
it melts away

so i don’t understand Your art—
Forgive me for being out of place
but I don’t understand why
You do what You do
and why You would bother and continue
to use me….
You can afford to start anew
i’m well aware.

You still use me with all my scars
and the water that escapes does cool my wounds

i can relate
i can understand
and weep along side of other broken cisterns

i guess
You know best.

Sir… i don’t mean to be a rebel
and question….
But will i ever be whole, with all
these holes?
(1998)

2003--another four and a half years later--still holey...