Wednesday, March 09, 2005
what a difference a day makes...
ironic that this song is playing on my launchcast when i already had this titled... even more ironic is the "difference" is the opposite turn from this song.
yesterday i was hopeful. today i am sad. all in a mere 24 hour period (no wonder they can make a whole season of a show based on one 24 hour period).
i think sadness and pensiveness isn't always bad... its actually probably really good. the onlyt bummer is that it just doesn't feel so good. i had an interesting conversation with a new friend yesterday that spawned this new pensiveness... which really brings in a lot of things i've thought about in the past. he confronted me on the fact that i'm not honest with my emotions and deconstructed some of my self-protective matrices. because i generally have a soft heart and i tend to be emotional by nature, i have learned to "make logical" my emotions and even reinforced the structure with theology and Biblical principles. Unfortunately, this "thinker" called me on it and has found my attempts to have proven unsuccessful and as he puts it, illogical. somewhere along the way of making emotions logical, they have somehow mutated into something that fits nicely into "my world" and my conception of reality, but most likely not the way it is in the real world. like my affections for certain individuals.
what a difference a day makes... when romance is on the menu...
so, what's wrong with this "coping" mechanism? isn't it ok to cope? what he pointed out is that our coping matrices is our version of "salvation." i deduced that to mean that in my attempts to cope, i have written out my need for my Savior in this aspect of my life. is that true? as i look back, i probably do pray a lot less than i do because i have found a way to not be as "sad" about my situation. i've constructed this reality in order to be able to feel confident despite unfavorable circumstances, to be able to maintain worth when external factors (attention or lack thereof) threaten that worth. after all, confidence is what you project, and what you project dictates whether you are attractive or not... so its entirely circular, and self-constructed and... pragmatic? or something. but when does confidence and self-worth cross the line of pride? and where does the idea of humility fit into all of this? does it? if it doesn't something must be wrong with the construct... and as painful as it is, doesn't unrequited love help us better identify with our Savior?
then there's the idea that how we act in obedience to the Word is more important than how we feel because we often can't control our emotions but we can control our actions. i believe this to be true. but if we act according to what we know and that is not in line with how we feel, there's a bifurcation of mind and body that fuels dualism... and that's bad. the reintegration of our comparmentalized lives is what we ought to be aiming for... i'm sure it has something to do with integrity. but if our emotions and passions leads us to actions that contradict Scriptural principles, what do you do?
i think what i've figured out as i was talking to another friend is yes, i do believe in obedience and living by biblical principles... and so i try to do so regardless of emotions. i set limits and constraints on my actions and thus redefine my emotions based on principles... and i guess that's how my subconscious defense matrix was built. i do seek to have integrity of emotion and actions, and i guess that's why i try to allow my actions to reinform my emotions. unfortunately, that has come across as disingenuous or illogical when in fact, i'm just trying to do what's right. the "construct" wasn't an intentional, self-deceptive one that was erected for the purpose of self-protection. it just kinda "happened" as i was trying to act rightly. there was good intentions surrounding its establishment. but now that my attention has been pointed in its direction as to why it may not be such a good thing, its time for reevaluation, reconfiguration, or even dissembling (if need be).
what a difference a day makes... and the difference is you
so, perhaps there is a need for the integration of emotions and actions. perhaps there is a need to deconstruct this matrix. and how should one function in light of this "uncovering"? unfortunately, it isn't something i can just think about without coming to some sort of resolution and plan of action based on thinking. thoughts? suggestions? anyone? anyone?
... today, i'm thankful that God uses people and situations to bring things to mind that needs refining... and that He is patient with us despite our silliness.
ironic that this song is playing on my launchcast when i already had this titled... even more ironic is the "difference" is the opposite turn from this song.
yesterday i was hopeful. today i am sad. all in a mere 24 hour period (no wonder they can make a whole season of a show based on one 24 hour period).
i think sadness and pensiveness isn't always bad... its actually probably really good. the onlyt bummer is that it just doesn't feel so good. i had an interesting conversation with a new friend yesterday that spawned this new pensiveness... which really brings in a lot of things i've thought about in the past. he confronted me on the fact that i'm not honest with my emotions and deconstructed some of my self-protective matrices. because i generally have a soft heart and i tend to be emotional by nature, i have learned to "make logical" my emotions and even reinforced the structure with theology and Biblical principles. Unfortunately, this "thinker" called me on it and has found my attempts to have proven unsuccessful and as he puts it, illogical. somewhere along the way of making emotions logical, they have somehow mutated into something that fits nicely into "my world" and my conception of reality, but most likely not the way it is in the real world. like my affections for certain individuals.
what a difference a day makes... when romance is on the menu...
so, what's wrong with this "coping" mechanism? isn't it ok to cope? what he pointed out is that our coping matrices is our version of "salvation." i deduced that to mean that in my attempts to cope, i have written out my need for my Savior in this aspect of my life. is that true? as i look back, i probably do pray a lot less than i do because i have found a way to not be as "sad" about my situation. i've constructed this reality in order to be able to feel confident despite unfavorable circumstances, to be able to maintain worth when external factors (attention or lack thereof) threaten that worth. after all, confidence is what you project, and what you project dictates whether you are attractive or not... so its entirely circular, and self-constructed and... pragmatic? or something. but when does confidence and self-worth cross the line of pride? and where does the idea of humility fit into all of this? does it? if it doesn't something must be wrong with the construct... and as painful as it is, doesn't unrequited love help us better identify with our Savior?
then there's the idea that how we act in obedience to the Word is more important than how we feel because we often can't control our emotions but we can control our actions. i believe this to be true. but if we act according to what we know and that is not in line with how we feel, there's a bifurcation of mind and body that fuels dualism... and that's bad. the reintegration of our comparmentalized lives is what we ought to be aiming for... i'm sure it has something to do with integrity. but if our emotions and passions leads us to actions that contradict Scriptural principles, what do you do?
i think what i've figured out as i was talking to another friend is yes, i do believe in obedience and living by biblical principles... and so i try to do so regardless of emotions. i set limits and constraints on my actions and thus redefine my emotions based on principles... and i guess that's how my subconscious defense matrix was built. i do seek to have integrity of emotion and actions, and i guess that's why i try to allow my actions to reinform my emotions. unfortunately, that has come across as disingenuous or illogical when in fact, i'm just trying to do what's right. the "construct" wasn't an intentional, self-deceptive one that was erected for the purpose of self-protection. it just kinda "happened" as i was trying to act rightly. there was good intentions surrounding its establishment. but now that my attention has been pointed in its direction as to why it may not be such a good thing, its time for reevaluation, reconfiguration, or even dissembling (if need be).
what a difference a day makes... and the difference is you
so, perhaps there is a need for the integration of emotions and actions. perhaps there is a need to deconstruct this matrix. and how should one function in light of this "uncovering"? unfortunately, it isn't something i can just think about without coming to some sort of resolution and plan of action based on thinking. thoughts? suggestions? anyone? anyone?
... today, i'm thankful that God uses people and situations to bring things to mind that needs refining... and that He is patient with us despite our silliness.
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