Friday, March 11, 2005
reconfiguring emotions: format c
i was talking to my coworker today (who also happens to be a good friend familar with my internal dialogue regarding honesty and emotions) and she said the funniest thing.
"no format c!"
the analogy is geeky but accurate... when i don't like the way i feel about something, i try to reconfigure it... start over from scratch (for those of you who don't know like i didn't know, "format c" was a way to reconfigure a computer and make it start from scratch).
the last few days have been a bit of an emotional rollercoaster. my mom had some issues that could have been signs of something serious and possibly terminal. when she told me about this and that she's going in for some testing, it really freaked me out. it made me think about need to move home to care for her, it made me miss her... it made me think about what about my life here that i'll miss... it made me realize what i may be and may not be able to let go.
there's a friend i've been trying to distance myself from the last couple of weeks. because i was so sad last night, i broke down and called him. we had a wonderful conversation and as i was telling him about my mom, i realized how short life was. i told him about my fears of moving home and moving on, and he reassured me that its ok because maybe the people in your life now is "just for a season." when i heard that, i realized how no ok it was in my heart that he might only be here in my life now "just for a season" and as much as i've wanted to "format c" my emotions regarding him, it comes back in a new and different way. maybe its just the way we are with each other. the chemistry that exists isn't just about history, its about "getting it" and "getting each other" and being in the moment. makes me think of the idea in "eternal sunshine of the spotless mind."
i've held back a lot concerning this. i've not said much or confronted my thoughts and feelings largely out of fear of rejection, some out of insecurity, and some out of pride. but the thought of leaving behind this life suddenly because of my mom's failing health helped me to see how short life really is. carpe diem sounds so cliched at times... but how much am i allowing fatalism to foster inaction; calling it "being patient" and "trusting God's soveriegnty" and how much of that is just fear, superspiritualizing a situation in order to not have to confront it?
i don't want to be selfish and ruin a friendship. i don't want to burden him with this information when i know that he is busy. but when is there ever going to be a good time for this, and if this friendship is as strong as i think it is, would i be ruining anything? 99.9% of the people whom i have talked with thinks i need to be honest and confront it. am i just being prideful (thinking i can handle more than the average bear) or stubborn (to not listen to wise counsel)? or am i wanting to hold onto something that may not be the healthiest emotionally (allowing emtional attachments to someone and from someone who may not be my husband) for temporal satisfaction? lots to think about... and lots to continue to hand over to God. at this point, i'm thinking i need to set a time limit on this (maybe a week? maybe a month?) and confront it head on... as much as i don't want to do that. it might be for the best. please pray for me, reader. and if you have any wise counsel, please advise.
... today, i'm thankful that God is the wonderful healer, that He keeps us healthy to be able to serve Him... and i'm thankful that He allows situations to happen in order to bring thoughts and motives to the surface.
i was talking to my coworker today (who also happens to be a good friend familar with my internal dialogue regarding honesty and emotions) and she said the funniest thing.
"no format c!"
the analogy is geeky but accurate... when i don't like the way i feel about something, i try to reconfigure it... start over from scratch (for those of you who don't know like i didn't know, "format c" was a way to reconfigure a computer and make it start from scratch).
the last few days have been a bit of an emotional rollercoaster. my mom had some issues that could have been signs of something serious and possibly terminal. when she told me about this and that she's going in for some testing, it really freaked me out. it made me think about need to move home to care for her, it made me miss her... it made me think about what about my life here that i'll miss... it made me realize what i may be and may not be able to let go.
there's a friend i've been trying to distance myself from the last couple of weeks. because i was so sad last night, i broke down and called him. we had a wonderful conversation and as i was telling him about my mom, i realized how short life was. i told him about my fears of moving home and moving on, and he reassured me that its ok because maybe the people in your life now is "just for a season." when i heard that, i realized how no ok it was in my heart that he might only be here in my life now "just for a season" and as much as i've wanted to "format c" my emotions regarding him, it comes back in a new and different way. maybe its just the way we are with each other. the chemistry that exists isn't just about history, its about "getting it" and "getting each other" and being in the moment. makes me think of the idea in "eternal sunshine of the spotless mind."
i've held back a lot concerning this. i've not said much or confronted my thoughts and feelings largely out of fear of rejection, some out of insecurity, and some out of pride. but the thought of leaving behind this life suddenly because of my mom's failing health helped me to see how short life really is. carpe diem sounds so cliched at times... but how much am i allowing fatalism to foster inaction; calling it "being patient" and "trusting God's soveriegnty" and how much of that is just fear, superspiritualizing a situation in order to not have to confront it?
i don't want to be selfish and ruin a friendship. i don't want to burden him with this information when i know that he is busy. but when is there ever going to be a good time for this, and if this friendship is as strong as i think it is, would i be ruining anything? 99.9% of the people whom i have talked with thinks i need to be honest and confront it. am i just being prideful (thinking i can handle more than the average bear) or stubborn (to not listen to wise counsel)? or am i wanting to hold onto something that may not be the healthiest emotionally (allowing emtional attachments to someone and from someone who may not be my husband) for temporal satisfaction? lots to think about... and lots to continue to hand over to God. at this point, i'm thinking i need to set a time limit on this (maybe a week? maybe a month?) and confront it head on... as much as i don't want to do that. it might be for the best. please pray for me, reader. and if you have any wise counsel, please advise.
... today, i'm thankful that God is the wonderful healer, that He keeps us healthy to be able to serve Him... and i'm thankful that He allows situations to happen in order to bring thoughts and motives to the surface.
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