Thursday, October 14, 2004
road to recovery
the human body is an amazing thing. its day four after the marathon, and i feel almost entirely recovered. even as early as last night, walking downstairs wasn't as bad as i thought it would be. the pain i was feeling on tuesday, though, i was laughing at hal higdon's suggestion that i could possibly run 2 miles today.... but today, i feel up for it. isn't it crazy?
i'm realizing that physical pain is so much easier to deal with than spiritual and emotional pain. the intense soreness i felt in the last few days made me think back to the "emotional soreness" i felt after this past year of ministry (and other personal/emotional struggles) and how hard it was on me. its hard to believe that physically i've already recovered, but emotionally, i'm still raw. i'm still trying to draw out the parallels of that year in ministry and the marathon... and i can start to see some of the connections.
i had the privilege of feeling the "runners high"... even though it was a bit disappointing, i finished. there was a sense of accomplishment in that. with the marathon-like year of ministry, the "end" wasn't really satisfying. really, there is no "end" to ministry... especially in this case. i just kinda "ended" my term in the ministry here because of "burn out." maybe i didn't "train" as well as i did spiritually as i did physically. maybe i didn't take my "spiritual gu." whatever it was, the "run" stunk and i never wanted to "run" again. maybe i was even injured... i'm not quite sure what it would be analogous to. but because i was so hurt, i didn't even bother looking for a "recovery program" to follow, i just flopped onto the couch of spiritual apathy and started eating french fries. to make matters worse, i couldn't even "cross-train." where i would find my strength in cross training (emotional support from close friends), even those avenues were blocked or closed. so, instead of trying to stretch out my relational muscles, i just didn't want to move them for fear of pain.
seeing the parallel of that with my physical soreness helped me to realize how ridiculous that was. i went for a massage on tuesday after the marathon, and sure it was painful cause my muscles were still sore, but it was well needed. the knots needed to be worked out despite how painful the process -- it would help with the healing process in the long run. its interesting too, because the places that usually needed massaging (like my upper back/shoulder area) really didn't require the attention it usually needed because my quads were so sore. relationally, what i typically struggled with (singleness, etc.) wasn't even an issue because my strongest muscle (friendship/relationship) was so sore. yet i didn't realize that my "taking it easy" wasn't really helping with the recovery process, nor preparing me for the next race. i feel antsy because i feel spiritually benched. its been almost a year, and i'm frustrated with how long it has taken that part of me to recover.
i don't want to become this overly sensitive girl who doesn't know how to encourage people anymore because she doesn't feel encouraged. i don't want to respond in neglect because i have felt neglected, or not love because i have not felt loved. that's now how i want to live (that's no way to live!) it goes back to this message i heard a little over a year ago -- am i a spiritual thermometer or a thermostat? i know my personality tend towards a thermometer, a chameleon, but if i'm not going to warm those around me up, i'm only going to get cold reflecting the "chill" around me. it is tiring being a thermostat, though. it requires energy. its hard to turn up the heat if i have nothing fueling my own warmth (but back to the marathon analogy).
i know that i have not been as understanding a friend as usual. i think i have grown much more selfish and self-centered in the last year... and i don't like that change. its as if my muscles have wasted away from a lack of use and i am not who i used to be. trying not to move because i don't want to hurt really is not the smartest way to "recover" if i ever want to be in race-condition again. being self-protective may seem the way to go because it seems "logical" but in the end, it really doesn't help matters.
so... i'll take the advice of a dear friend and "stretch it out" -- whatever that would mean. allow the healing hand of the Master to work out the knots of pain, but also to do my part in regaining mobility, flexibility and strength in those spiritual muscles. i'm taking steps towards that as we speak... i pray that God will numb the pain and quicken the growth. i want back in the game.
... today, i'm thankful that God teaches me lessons through life, and even pain... that He can "inform" it and give it meaning.
...
the human body is an amazing thing. its day four after the marathon, and i feel almost entirely recovered. even as early as last night, walking downstairs wasn't as bad as i thought it would be. the pain i was feeling on tuesday, though, i was laughing at hal higdon's suggestion that i could possibly run 2 miles today.... but today, i feel up for it. isn't it crazy?
i'm realizing that physical pain is so much easier to deal with than spiritual and emotional pain. the intense soreness i felt in the last few days made me think back to the "emotional soreness" i felt after this past year of ministry (and other personal/emotional struggles) and how hard it was on me. its hard to believe that physically i've already recovered, but emotionally, i'm still raw. i'm still trying to draw out the parallels of that year in ministry and the marathon... and i can start to see some of the connections.
i had the privilege of feeling the "runners high"... even though it was a bit disappointing, i finished. there was a sense of accomplishment in that. with the marathon-like year of ministry, the "end" wasn't really satisfying. really, there is no "end" to ministry... especially in this case. i just kinda "ended" my term in the ministry here because of "burn out." maybe i didn't "train" as well as i did spiritually as i did physically. maybe i didn't take my "spiritual gu." whatever it was, the "run" stunk and i never wanted to "run" again. maybe i was even injured... i'm not quite sure what it would be analogous to. but because i was so hurt, i didn't even bother looking for a "recovery program" to follow, i just flopped onto the couch of spiritual apathy and started eating french fries. to make matters worse, i couldn't even "cross-train." where i would find my strength in cross training (emotional support from close friends), even those avenues were blocked or closed. so, instead of trying to stretch out my relational muscles, i just didn't want to move them for fear of pain.
seeing the parallel of that with my physical soreness helped me to realize how ridiculous that was. i went for a massage on tuesday after the marathon, and sure it was painful cause my muscles were still sore, but it was well needed. the knots needed to be worked out despite how painful the process -- it would help with the healing process in the long run. its interesting too, because the places that usually needed massaging (like my upper back/shoulder area) really didn't require the attention it usually needed because my quads were so sore. relationally, what i typically struggled with (singleness, etc.) wasn't even an issue because my strongest muscle (friendship/relationship) was so sore. yet i didn't realize that my "taking it easy" wasn't really helping with the recovery process, nor preparing me for the next race. i feel antsy because i feel spiritually benched. its been almost a year, and i'm frustrated with how long it has taken that part of me to recover.
i don't want to become this overly sensitive girl who doesn't know how to encourage people anymore because she doesn't feel encouraged. i don't want to respond in neglect because i have felt neglected, or not love because i have not felt loved. that's now how i want to live (that's no way to live!) it goes back to this message i heard a little over a year ago -- am i a spiritual thermometer or a thermostat? i know my personality tend towards a thermometer, a chameleon, but if i'm not going to warm those around me up, i'm only going to get cold reflecting the "chill" around me. it is tiring being a thermostat, though. it requires energy. its hard to turn up the heat if i have nothing fueling my own warmth (but back to the marathon analogy).
i know that i have not been as understanding a friend as usual. i think i have grown much more selfish and self-centered in the last year... and i don't like that change. its as if my muscles have wasted away from a lack of use and i am not who i used to be. trying not to move because i don't want to hurt really is not the smartest way to "recover" if i ever want to be in race-condition again. being self-protective may seem the way to go because it seems "logical" but in the end, it really doesn't help matters.
so... i'll take the advice of a dear friend and "stretch it out" -- whatever that would mean. allow the healing hand of the Master to work out the knots of pain, but also to do my part in regaining mobility, flexibility and strength in those spiritual muscles. i'm taking steps towards that as we speak... i pray that God will numb the pain and quicken the growth. i want back in the game.
... today, i'm thankful that God teaches me lessons through life, and even pain... that He can "inform" it and give it meaning.
...
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