my ramblings...

"... a sad face, is good for the heart... its alright, girl you don't have to smile, a sad face, is good for the heart of a child, a sad face..." -- the choir

kind of a somber thought for my birthday, but that was the song i had in my head as i was driving into work today. maybe i have not allowed myself enough down time, truly sad times to rely on the joy of the Lord. maybe in trying to escape pain through avoidance and busying myself with other things, that i'm missing out on the true joy i can find in Him alone.

maybe sadness is a blessing.

in sadness, glimmers of hope and flashes of happiness are more appreciated. continuous elation does not bring the same affect (and the "lows" that follow a state of continuous elation? forget about it) -- its almost like an element of surprise. the unexpected. maybe that's why we all love surprises.

so, i've been sad and lamenting the arrival of yet another year. it seems like each year, fewer people care, and those who do show that they do less and less. maybe i just have unrealistic expectations. that could very well be it. but it sadly makes me feel uncared for yet i also know i shouldn't take it so personally... people have things going on... their own lives to worry about... stuff to do...

i think its the thought of the passing of another year and i'm still alone. and as the years continue to pass me by, i am more and more alone as less and less people share that state of aloneness. i never was the "independent" one... so how is it that i, out of most of my good friends, am the one who's still by myself? i am thankful that i'm not discontent with my singleness in general -- there are just moments when its difficult. in all of that, though, i know that God knows best. and if He knows that aloneness will bring sadness that will make me more aware of my need for Him and Him alone, then who am i to try and fight that?

its funny. even though i would rather not be alone, i have a very real sense of confirmation that this is what God has for me at this point in my life. its a feeling, though, that has a sense of hope attached to it as well. its a hope that if God has so carefully protected and guarded me from various possibilities, how will He not also be the Giver and Provider of good things when He sees fit? this sadness is not of a dispairing sort... but a contemplative, sobering sort.

... today, i am thankful for sadness.... for the assurance that this too, shall pass, and that despite the sad spell, i can see the Son peaking through the dark clouds, and there is hope in the future.