my ramblings...

for my 29th birthday, i got flowers, a digital camera...

and a fiance.

yep.

adam proposed to me on my birthday. those of you who have known me for a while might be shreaking with joy. you've probably thought the day would never come. me either. our entire relationship has been a fairytale come true. its a bit ironic and anticlimatic that the "engagement" story wasn't storybook-like. but as it stands, it is the perfect engagement for me.

as you have read with the previous entry, there is a lot of uncertainty with my life. my mom had been diagnosed with cancer, i don't have a job in decemember and all seems to be pointing to the fact that i should move back to california. all of these things weighed heavily on my heart and i really wasn't sure how all of it will work itself out. a few weeks ago, i thought that it would be so perfect to get engaged on my birthday, but as the day approached with all the "news" that just landed, i started worrying and wondering if this was the right thing to do.

on saturday morning, adam comes over to my place with my favorite flower and a birthday gift. it was a digital camera i've been eyeballing for a little while. i felt a twinge of disappointment and relief thinking that since i got a camera for my birthday, that i probably wouldn't be getting a ring as well. i was relieved because with all of the stressors going on, i didn't know how i would respond if he were to ask me that day.

we went to evanston, a nice little town a bit north of chicago with a nice view of the city. we had been there before so i didn't think anything of it. we climbed onto some big rocks overlooking the city line and the day was absolutely perfect. the weather was georgous and everything was idyllic. the moment we paused on the rock, he drops to his knees and asked, "will you marry me?" i was so taken aback by the question that i was silent. i said "i want to say yes, but i just don't know." i started crying because that was NOT the answer i wanted to give! how lame of an engagement story would that be! i had wanted this and i had given adam every indication that i would say yes. what was wrong with me now that i was so hesitant? i had told him before all of this that i may have doubts and fear of committment because of my parents, so he knew that walking in. i'm sure though that he wasn't expecting that on our engagement day. he was sooo wonderful though... patient, understanding, and calmly reassured me that he will patiently wait till i was certain. we discussed my doubts, the what-ifs, and he reassured me that he had prayed about it and was confident that this was right. he assured me that he is committed to loving me no matter what changes, and that the reason he wanted to propose now despite the uncertainty was so that i would be able to go home knowing that He is committed to me and behind me 100% of the way. we prayed together and after a little more dialogue, i realized that my fears were unfounded and that it would be the same at that moment or later... that it is about a choice and committment. no one knows for certain what tomorrow will hold, but for now, we are choosing to love one another and commit to one another the best we know how.

so it wasn't storybook... but it was perfect. the surprise caused me to not have a "ready" answer... which allowed us to talk honestly through doubts and fears and uncertainties. God has blessed me with a man who seeks after Him and knows how to love me and encourage me to communicate with him. i am truly blessed to have him in my life. in adam's own words...

"and i think because His power is made perfect in weakness, our engagement day was
'perfect'. it's a great example of our love-triangle relationship. : ) if it was
perfect between us, not including doubt or some form of us-originated weakness,
we wouldn't have been including the Lord as much, recognizing our dependence on
Him."

sigh.

isn't he just wonderful? and he's right... our relationship began dependent on Him and it will only succeed as we continue to depend on Him entirely. it is truly exciting to see what the Lord will do. there are still many questions that are unanswered -- do we stay in chicago? move to stockton? where do we have the wedding? when do we have the wedding? -- but that's ok. God will reveal those answers in His time. we just have to keep making sure that we are looking to Him for direction.

i've always found this proverb to be interesting "... under three things the earth quakes, and under four, it cannot bear up; under a slave when he becomes a king, and a fool when he is satisfied with food, under an unloved woman when she gets a husband, and a maidservant when she supplants her mistress." prov 30:21-23. i'm still not sure what that means, but i think the earth quaked on saturday.

... today, i am so thankful for God's provision to me in adam and for showing me that He must remain the center of our relationship. as much as i love adam, i know that only God can give me certainty and direct my path. it is so good to know that He never changes.