Wednesday, May 11, 2005
i'm realizing that i'm much too externally affected. something that is not news to me, but nevertheless difficult to deal with when it emerges. i was able to gain some clarity on two different friendships in a 48 hour period and i just feel such a calm in my stomach about it all. i'm thankful that God provided that... i just wished that i could have had that calm despite not knowing... but God is so gracious and knows my weakness and frailty.
weakness and frailty. that has very much framed my mind lately. i'm not as strong as i thought i was... not as in control... not as idealistic. it is truly humbling. i thought that i would be "counter-cultural" and not like the "good looking" ones... but now that this cute boy is a tenible possibility, my first description of him to my friends is that he's a hottie. yes, he's a hottie. but he's so much more! he has a passion for life and loves the Lord... he's joyful, he's fun. but the first descriptor out of my mouth is he's a hottie. how could i reduce him to just that? does it just play into my pride that this hottie likes me? i overanalyze and i'm so not what i thought.
my own attempt to be "content" in my circumstances was to pursue a consolation prize... thinking about getting my phd. while there's nothing wrong with that, i realized while listening to pastor lutzer preach on proverbs 31 that there's really nothing i desire more than that -- to be a proverbs 31 wife and mother. it made me weep because i felt like it is a desire that God has placed in my heart -- it is one that longs to be filled so desperately, but it is also one that i can do nothing about. not something i can work at... its entirely out of my hands.
i'm learning that i just need to trust... every step of the way.
"and i need You, i need You, every step of the way. everything i've ever wanted i've found in You... everything i've ever wanted i've found in You..."
today, i'm thankful that God is mindful of our frailty and weakness... that He is not surprised by them, and makes accomodations for them before we even realize that He's doing it. God is so good!
weakness and frailty. that has very much framed my mind lately. i'm not as strong as i thought i was... not as in control... not as idealistic. it is truly humbling. i thought that i would be "counter-cultural" and not like the "good looking" ones... but now that this cute boy is a tenible possibility, my first description of him to my friends is that he's a hottie. yes, he's a hottie. but he's so much more! he has a passion for life and loves the Lord... he's joyful, he's fun. but the first descriptor out of my mouth is he's a hottie. how could i reduce him to just that? does it just play into my pride that this hottie likes me? i overanalyze and i'm so not what i thought.
my own attempt to be "content" in my circumstances was to pursue a consolation prize... thinking about getting my phd. while there's nothing wrong with that, i realized while listening to pastor lutzer preach on proverbs 31 that there's really nothing i desire more than that -- to be a proverbs 31 wife and mother. it made me weep because i felt like it is a desire that God has placed in my heart -- it is one that longs to be filled so desperately, but it is also one that i can do nothing about. not something i can work at... its entirely out of my hands.
i'm learning that i just need to trust... every step of the way.
"and i need You, i need You, every step of the way. everything i've ever wanted i've found in You... everything i've ever wanted i've found in You..."
today, i'm thankful that God is mindful of our frailty and weakness... that He is not surprised by them, and makes accomodations for them before we even realize that He's doing it. God is so good!
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