my ramblings...

to me coming from you
friend is a four-letter word
end is the only part of the word
that i heard
call me morbid
or absurd
but to me...
coming from you...
friend is a four-letter word
-cake

i'm listening to my cake cd and that i had lent laura a while back that i got back during worship practice yesterday. i was totally excited to get it back and we collectively commmented on how groovin' and humorous the band is. then, i started singing the above lyrics and was surprised to be joined by andy. if you know andy, he just would not seem the type to know cake, let alone be able to quote the lyrics of an entire song. but then, he's surprised me before. its an odd thing when you connect with a friend over an obsure band when you both know the lyrics. especially the nature of this song.

right before worship practice, a good friend called and left me a message. made a surge of emotions rush back. not that he left a message with information that caused it, and really he didn't say much of anything... its just that i'm trying to apply what i've learned last week, trying not to disengage emotions... but not sure how to hold myself together if i let myself feel everything that emerges. i think i've come to the conclusion that i can't just leave him hanging... but i'm also not sure how to put things into words yet or what all to share yet either. so... i dunno... but i started to draft a letter (its becoming my favorite mode of processing thoughts).

its sad to me that as funny and sarcastic as this song is, this is often how i feel about friendship... especially as of late. end is inevitable. the hope and joy that should be the life of friendships isn't there for me. sometimes i wish i had more of a calloused attitude towards it. i care too much and not enough at the same time. its hard to balance how to truly love and care (as we are commanded to) without making love and relationships itself an idol.

when i go fishing for the words, i am wishing you would say to me, i'm really only praying that the words you'll soon be saying might betray the way you feel about me...

yeah... so worship practice was really good. i really appreciate what was said before we started and the time that we had to pray before hand... to examine our hearts before the Lord.

i'm thankful for fellowship through music... the connection that it brings to the heart and mind within ourselves, and the connection it allows very different people to have with one another.