Friday, March 19, 2004
i seriously had one of the most bizzare dreams last night. i don't generally dream or remember them, but last night, the dream was haunting.
i can't even remember it all, and the details that i recall seem too absurd to illicit the response i was giving it in my subconscious. there were just some odd details that i remember, and maybe some of it was food/movie-induced bad-dreams. i hope that's all it is.
certain details, i can't help but wonder if its an omen for other things. in my dream, my "blessing car" was stolen. here's my literature major skills coming into play in my self psycho-analysis. i could be totally off, but hey... i'm only messing with my own mind here.
so... from previous posts, i've had this odd metaphor with my little brownie. how i acquired such a great car was totally a blessing from the Lord. my troubles with it last year in desiring to hold on to it even though it might have been best to let it go taught me a few lessons.
i dreamt that i was driving along with some of my friends, and one of them (i think it was john... if it wasn't, it was someone bold like him who would suggest such a thing) saw a strange looking mid-aged couple on the side of the street who looked like they needed help. they were thin, gaunt, and sinister-looking. but for whatever reason, i listened to this friend and stopped to ask if they needed a ride. we took them with us to where we were going, and i distinctly remember parking next to a yellow line that i was afraid would be too close, but everyone in the car assured me it was ok. we got out of the car with the couple, and they said their thank yous and were on their way, but i saw the way they were eyeing my car. it made me nervous. i remembered making sure that it was locked before i walked away, and even as i was walking away, there was a thought in my mind that that couple would be back to steal my car. but still, i walked along with my friends and didn't think twice about staying near the car. not too much time elapsed, and i looked back to see that my car was gone. i was talking with the police at that point, and he seemed utterly incapable of helping. it was so bizzare. the feeling that its gone was more than just the loss of possession, it was as if something precious to me had left me... made me think of that line in a john donne sonnet where he said of his late wife "... and my good is gone."
there were other bizzare parts of the dream too, where i was in this crystal store (i'm not one of the superstitious types or paranoid christians who think of those stores as generally occultish) and some beads fell into my mouth. when i spit them out (with this really weird troubled sense in my heart) they spelled out the word "memo." it sounds really absurd now recalling it, but in my dream, "memo" brought with it a strange omen. like it was a message from something that i shouldn't seek a message from. it felt dark. the store owner came to thank me for not stealing the beads, and his eyes were crazy looking. as i'm recounting it, maybe that was a weird "pirates of the caribbean" influence (remember that pirate with the crazy eyes?).
haven't figured out the "memo" thing... (other than just that its absurd) but the thing with the car kinda struck me. i was talking to angie last night about some of what i've been feeling. i know its entirely ridiculous, but that's what friends are for, right? so we can vent. there's something strangely powerful about the spoken word... like it becomes more real when its been said. i was complaining to her about how tough things have been and how i felt like God just skips over me when He's blessing those around me.
i've felt a bit like the "older brother" in the prodigal son. angie goes galavanting through south america, gets herself into trouble from different things, confesses, and is blessed by some pretty cool things right away. me... i feel like i've been "slaving away" at a ministry at a church that i'm not super happy with, investing in people who could care less. yet it seems like God is just chipping away at stuff wtih me... putting questions to mind that i'd rather not deal with. like... am i serving for His glory, or for selfish gain? if i were serving with the right motive, would i be so hurt when things don't necessarily go my way? why is it that the desire to be loved is so strong? am i not getting what i need from God and am putting those demands on those around me when nothing they can do will satisfy? time and time again, with situations upon situations, it seems that i'm discontent because of expectations i may have. that's the drawback of being a perfectionist. it may create expectations that may never be met. and it surely create standards for yourself that you're incapable of meeting.
i know that God is not an "asian" parent... that His love is not conditional, but unfortunately, my upbringing colors my view of God and "blessings." a large part of my problem right now i think, is this black cloud i have over my head that blurs my vision, making me unable to recognize any blessings whatsoever. and yes, in my conversation with angie i was wrong in my attitude... but what frightens me with my dream is the idea that for those who have, "to him more shall be given... and whoever does not have, even waht he has shall be taken away from him..." yeah... i've never really understood that verse.
its horrible to be able to identify the problem but to feel almost powerless as to exacting change. maybe THAT'S truly the nightmare.
... mmm. and i had really wanted to share my dream with someone... but they're not readily available this morning. what a bummer. reminds me of a part of a story that was written not too long ago... is this the power of suggestion, or an odd version of self-fulfilling prophecy?
i can't even remember it all, and the details that i recall seem too absurd to illicit the response i was giving it in my subconscious. there were just some odd details that i remember, and maybe some of it was food/movie-induced bad-dreams. i hope that's all it is.
certain details, i can't help but wonder if its an omen for other things. in my dream, my "blessing car" was stolen. here's my literature major skills coming into play in my self psycho-analysis. i could be totally off, but hey... i'm only messing with my own mind here.
so... from previous posts, i've had this odd metaphor with my little brownie. how i acquired such a great car was totally a blessing from the Lord. my troubles with it last year in desiring to hold on to it even though it might have been best to let it go taught me a few lessons.
i dreamt that i was driving along with some of my friends, and one of them (i think it was john... if it wasn't, it was someone bold like him who would suggest such a thing) saw a strange looking mid-aged couple on the side of the street who looked like they needed help. they were thin, gaunt, and sinister-looking. but for whatever reason, i listened to this friend and stopped to ask if they needed a ride. we took them with us to where we were going, and i distinctly remember parking next to a yellow line that i was afraid would be too close, but everyone in the car assured me it was ok. we got out of the car with the couple, and they said their thank yous and were on their way, but i saw the way they were eyeing my car. it made me nervous. i remembered making sure that it was locked before i walked away, and even as i was walking away, there was a thought in my mind that that couple would be back to steal my car. but still, i walked along with my friends and didn't think twice about staying near the car. not too much time elapsed, and i looked back to see that my car was gone. i was talking with the police at that point, and he seemed utterly incapable of helping. it was so bizzare. the feeling that its gone was more than just the loss of possession, it was as if something precious to me had left me... made me think of that line in a john donne sonnet where he said of his late wife "... and my good is gone."
there were other bizzare parts of the dream too, where i was in this crystal store (i'm not one of the superstitious types or paranoid christians who think of those stores as generally occultish) and some beads fell into my mouth. when i spit them out (with this really weird troubled sense in my heart) they spelled out the word "memo." it sounds really absurd now recalling it, but in my dream, "memo" brought with it a strange omen. like it was a message from something that i shouldn't seek a message from. it felt dark. the store owner came to thank me for not stealing the beads, and his eyes were crazy looking. as i'm recounting it, maybe that was a weird "pirates of the caribbean" influence (remember that pirate with the crazy eyes?).
haven't figured out the "memo" thing... (other than just that its absurd) but the thing with the car kinda struck me. i was talking to angie last night about some of what i've been feeling. i know its entirely ridiculous, but that's what friends are for, right? so we can vent. there's something strangely powerful about the spoken word... like it becomes more real when its been said. i was complaining to her about how tough things have been and how i felt like God just skips over me when He's blessing those around me.
i've felt a bit like the "older brother" in the prodigal son. angie goes galavanting through south america, gets herself into trouble from different things, confesses, and is blessed by some pretty cool things right away. me... i feel like i've been "slaving away" at a ministry at a church that i'm not super happy with, investing in people who could care less. yet it seems like God is just chipping away at stuff wtih me... putting questions to mind that i'd rather not deal with. like... am i serving for His glory, or for selfish gain? if i were serving with the right motive, would i be so hurt when things don't necessarily go my way? why is it that the desire to be loved is so strong? am i not getting what i need from God and am putting those demands on those around me when nothing they can do will satisfy? time and time again, with situations upon situations, it seems that i'm discontent because of expectations i may have. that's the drawback of being a perfectionist. it may create expectations that may never be met. and it surely create standards for yourself that you're incapable of meeting.
i know that God is not an "asian" parent... that His love is not conditional, but unfortunately, my upbringing colors my view of God and "blessings." a large part of my problem right now i think, is this black cloud i have over my head that blurs my vision, making me unable to recognize any blessings whatsoever. and yes, in my conversation with angie i was wrong in my attitude... but what frightens me with my dream is the idea that for those who have, "to him more shall be given... and whoever does not have, even waht he has shall be taken away from him..." yeah... i've never really understood that verse.
its horrible to be able to identify the problem but to feel almost powerless as to exacting change. maybe THAT'S truly the nightmare.
... mmm. and i had really wanted to share my dream with someone... but they're not readily available this morning. what a bummer. reminds me of a part of a story that was written not too long ago... is this the power of suggestion, or an odd version of self-fulfilling prophecy?
Comments:
Post a Comment
