Monday, February 09, 2004
...there is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear... 1 john 4.18
my sunshine came home wednesday night and called me thursday morning.
its the weirdest thing. i'm sure some people think its odd, or even sappy that i call kirk my sunshine, but in so many ways, he is. i can hold him mostly responsible for the optimism that has been new to my life in the last two years (well... God through him and the conviction of the Spirit in the verse in proverbs 31 about the virtuous woman being able to look into the future and smiling). well, when kirk left for guatemala, i felt like my sunshine went south.
difficulties with angie have been threatening to errupt for sometime already. this whole year of ups and downs for me with ministry and for her with relationships has put a toll on a friendship that i have come to count on. as difficult as ministry has been with the women i've been called to minister to in the college group, i was never that hurt by them because they had not proven themselves trustworthy and i had not expected much from them. from my close friend of 7 years and roommate of 4, however, the hurt was much deeper.
maybe God wants to challenge us and push us to be gracious and forgiving beyond our abilities to do so in order that we would be depending on Him for the strength to act rather than on our on "conditioning." forgiving and forgetting comes pretty easy for me... and its easy to almost become prideful of that until i get smacked in the face by a situation that is so overwhelming that i can't simply rely on "conditioning" to get through. when the two people i care about most at this time in my life seemed to have betrayed me, the wounds go deeper than i could have ever imagined.
with all of that, i've had to search my heart about what true forgiveness and reconciliation looks like, whether i am allowing -- by my actions -- people to behave badly towards me. with all of that, i think more confusion rather than clarity ensued. but even with all of that, God was reminding me that regardless of situations, that i must keep my heart soft because that is what is pleasing to Him. i don't want to allow situations to shape me negatively. not that i had any more conclusions, but as time progressed, hurt dissipates, and i know that most of these questions will take time and time with God to really figure out. i was ok with just waiting.
but something magical happened when my sunshine returned.
actually... i didn't even welcome the return of sunshine. when he called, i was rather chilly towards him. i was not mean, but cordial, and he could tell that the excitement that's usually there wasn't. this cause john (oh, good ol' john) to inform him that something was in fact wrong. neither kirk nor i are very confrontational... john, on the other hand, is more in your face than most anyone i know. anyway, kirk called and told me that we need to talk, and whatever misunderstandings that happened which hurt me, he was sorry. for a non-confrontational guy, that was a lot.
we finally ended up talking sunday afternoon. the conversation lasted about 4-5 hours. straight. at first, it was weird because we were comfortable with the way things were again after hanging out all weekend with the gang. i was just afraid of what would happen when we talked.
he asked about how things were going with angie, and wondered what was the biggest thing between her and i that i struggled with. and while i'm not 100% certain because there were so many different things that caused it, i think the biggest thing was feeling abandoned. i guess i take friendships very seriously and her flippancy in taking off really hurt me when there was 7 years of history there. so, when confusion arose with my friendship with kirk, and his ex started telling me they were talking and he didn't say a word, i was very confused. and when detail upon detail seem to point to the possible ending of our friendship... and when i talked to other people about it (whether peers, or "older, wiser women") they seem to also support the view that guys and girls can't REALLY be friends, i was thinking this was the end.
but the conversation we had was unbelievably amazing. he affirmed our friendship... he reassured me of his love for me... and that no matter what happens, that what we have is forever. if forever does not mean forever here on earth, there is definitely forever in heaven. our friendship is indeed special and a gift from the Lord, and i remember just praying through it from the beginning. there is something very unsettling about this stage on our lives -- singleness. its amazing because we have this incredible freedom to love others and serve the Lord and the Body in a way that we wouldn't if we were otherwise distracted, yet it is also such a precarious state that is difficult for our psyche to handle. as much as i love spontaneity, i also long for stability. and when i sense true love, fellowship and community, its so much easier to be content. i remember the year when angie, john, kirk and i hung out incessantly. even though there wasn't romance there, i really didn't need it. i was happy just loving them and being loved by them. i was able to wait patiently on the Lord. but as life clouds that view, and difficulties loom, i forgot how beautiful that was and questioned whether that was ever even real. as i listened to kirk reassure me of his care for me and hurt because of my heart, my cynicism began to melt away, and i believed him when he says that our friendship will not change. and even though there is no romantic feelings there, it is very clear to both of us that it is not because there's a lack of love, its just very clear that God hasn't directed it there, and i'm more than ok with that.
as imperfect as his love is, it was perfect at that moment. and the verse "perfect love casts out all fears" just came to mind. my fear of abandonment melted away when i looked into the face of the purity and selflessness of his love for me demonstrated in those moments. those were truly God moments. how much more so does God love me and how much more was that moment even a provision of His love. what was discussed during those hours were more than i could have asked for. it was more than mere clarification of misunderstandings, but really a demonstration and affirmation of agape in the truest sense. kirk's graciousness towards me was undeserved; yet how infinitely more so is God's love towards me. (don't get me wrong... i'm not meaning to toe the line of blasphemy by equating the two of them... but it just exalts God so much more in how beyond my comprehension His love for me truly is). and it was then i realized how it is my sin that did not trust God's perfect love for me, even in how He's chosen to put me through the trials that He had ordained for me these past few months. the dark clouds that loomed for these months began to dissipate, and i welcomed the return of my optimism. i hate to admit how weak my optimism is... and how dependent on others it is. unfortunately, i suppose it'll take some time for God to strengthen that in me, but i'm hopeful that He will.
my sunshine came home and warmed my heart beyond my every expectation-- and i know that is forever.
my sunshine came home wednesday night and called me thursday morning.
its the weirdest thing. i'm sure some people think its odd, or even sappy that i call kirk my sunshine, but in so many ways, he is. i can hold him mostly responsible for the optimism that has been new to my life in the last two years (well... God through him and the conviction of the Spirit in the verse in proverbs 31 about the virtuous woman being able to look into the future and smiling). well, when kirk left for guatemala, i felt like my sunshine went south.
difficulties with angie have been threatening to errupt for sometime already. this whole year of ups and downs for me with ministry and for her with relationships has put a toll on a friendship that i have come to count on. as difficult as ministry has been with the women i've been called to minister to in the college group, i was never that hurt by them because they had not proven themselves trustworthy and i had not expected much from them. from my close friend of 7 years and roommate of 4, however, the hurt was much deeper.
maybe God wants to challenge us and push us to be gracious and forgiving beyond our abilities to do so in order that we would be depending on Him for the strength to act rather than on our on "conditioning." forgiving and forgetting comes pretty easy for me... and its easy to almost become prideful of that until i get smacked in the face by a situation that is so overwhelming that i can't simply rely on "conditioning" to get through. when the two people i care about most at this time in my life seemed to have betrayed me, the wounds go deeper than i could have ever imagined.
with all of that, i've had to search my heart about what true forgiveness and reconciliation looks like, whether i am allowing -- by my actions -- people to behave badly towards me. with all of that, i think more confusion rather than clarity ensued. but even with all of that, God was reminding me that regardless of situations, that i must keep my heart soft because that is what is pleasing to Him. i don't want to allow situations to shape me negatively. not that i had any more conclusions, but as time progressed, hurt dissipates, and i know that most of these questions will take time and time with God to really figure out. i was ok with just waiting.
but something magical happened when my sunshine returned.
actually... i didn't even welcome the return of sunshine. when he called, i was rather chilly towards him. i was not mean, but cordial, and he could tell that the excitement that's usually there wasn't. this cause john (oh, good ol' john) to inform him that something was in fact wrong. neither kirk nor i are very confrontational... john, on the other hand, is more in your face than most anyone i know. anyway, kirk called and told me that we need to talk, and whatever misunderstandings that happened which hurt me, he was sorry. for a non-confrontational guy, that was a lot.
we finally ended up talking sunday afternoon. the conversation lasted about 4-5 hours. straight. at first, it was weird because we were comfortable with the way things were again after hanging out all weekend with the gang. i was just afraid of what would happen when we talked.
he asked about how things were going with angie, and wondered what was the biggest thing between her and i that i struggled with. and while i'm not 100% certain because there were so many different things that caused it, i think the biggest thing was feeling abandoned. i guess i take friendships very seriously and her flippancy in taking off really hurt me when there was 7 years of history there. so, when confusion arose with my friendship with kirk, and his ex started telling me they were talking and he didn't say a word, i was very confused. and when detail upon detail seem to point to the possible ending of our friendship... and when i talked to other people about it (whether peers, or "older, wiser women") they seem to also support the view that guys and girls can't REALLY be friends, i was thinking this was the end.
but the conversation we had was unbelievably amazing. he affirmed our friendship... he reassured me of his love for me... and that no matter what happens, that what we have is forever. if forever does not mean forever here on earth, there is definitely forever in heaven. our friendship is indeed special and a gift from the Lord, and i remember just praying through it from the beginning. there is something very unsettling about this stage on our lives -- singleness. its amazing because we have this incredible freedom to love others and serve the Lord and the Body in a way that we wouldn't if we were otherwise distracted, yet it is also such a precarious state that is difficult for our psyche to handle. as much as i love spontaneity, i also long for stability. and when i sense true love, fellowship and community, its so much easier to be content. i remember the year when angie, john, kirk and i hung out incessantly. even though there wasn't romance there, i really didn't need it. i was happy just loving them and being loved by them. i was able to wait patiently on the Lord. but as life clouds that view, and difficulties loom, i forgot how beautiful that was and questioned whether that was ever even real. as i listened to kirk reassure me of his care for me and hurt because of my heart, my cynicism began to melt away, and i believed him when he says that our friendship will not change. and even though there is no romantic feelings there, it is very clear to both of us that it is not because there's a lack of love, its just very clear that God hasn't directed it there, and i'm more than ok with that.
as imperfect as his love is, it was perfect at that moment. and the verse "perfect love casts out all fears" just came to mind. my fear of abandonment melted away when i looked into the face of the purity and selflessness of his love for me demonstrated in those moments. those were truly God moments. how much more so does God love me and how much more was that moment even a provision of His love. what was discussed during those hours were more than i could have asked for. it was more than mere clarification of misunderstandings, but really a demonstration and affirmation of agape in the truest sense. kirk's graciousness towards me was undeserved; yet how infinitely more so is God's love towards me. (don't get me wrong... i'm not meaning to toe the line of blasphemy by equating the two of them... but it just exalts God so much more in how beyond my comprehension His love for me truly is). and it was then i realized how it is my sin that did not trust God's perfect love for me, even in how He's chosen to put me through the trials that He had ordained for me these past few months. the dark clouds that loomed for these months began to dissipate, and i welcomed the return of my optimism. i hate to admit how weak my optimism is... and how dependent on others it is. unfortunately, i suppose it'll take some time for God to strengthen that in me, but i'm hopeful that He will.
my sunshine came home and warmed my heart beyond my every expectation-- and i know that is forever.
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