Wednesday, July 12, 2006
dear readers:
its been a while, huh? i apologize for the delay. i've actually decided to start a blog with xanga because so many of my friends are there, so i'm jumping ship. if you'd like, you can find my more current thoughts on xanga.com/visceralintuition . hope to see you there!
(0) comments
its been a while, huh? i apologize for the delay. i've actually decided to start a blog with xanga because so many of my friends are there, so i'm jumping ship. if you'd like, you can find my more current thoughts on xanga.com/visceralintuition . hope to see you there!
(0) comments
Monday, October 17, 2005
for my 29th birthday, i got flowers, a digital camera...
and a fiance.
yep.
adam proposed to me on my birthday. those of you who have known me for a while might be shreaking with joy. you've probably thought the day would never come. me either. our entire relationship has been a fairytale come true. its a bit ironic and anticlimatic that the "engagement" story wasn't storybook-like. but as it stands, it is the perfect engagement for me.
as you have read with the previous entry, there is a lot of uncertainty with my life. my mom had been diagnosed with cancer, i don't have a job in decemember and all seems to be pointing to the fact that i should move back to california. all of these things weighed heavily on my heart and i really wasn't sure how all of it will work itself out. a few weeks ago, i thought that it would be so perfect to get engaged on my birthday, but as the day approached with all the "news" that just landed, i started worrying and wondering if this was the right thing to do.
on saturday morning, adam comes over to my place with my favorite flower and a birthday gift. it was a digital camera i've been eyeballing for a little while. i felt a twinge of disappointment and relief thinking that since i got a camera for my birthday, that i probably wouldn't be getting a ring as well. i was relieved because with all of the stressors going on, i didn't know how i would respond if he were to ask me that day.
we went to evanston, a nice little town a bit north of chicago with a nice view of the city. we had been there before so i didn't think anything of it. we climbed onto some big rocks overlooking the city line and the day was absolutely perfect. the weather was georgous and everything was idyllic. the moment we paused on the rock, he drops to his knees and asked, "will you marry me?" i was so taken aback by the question that i was silent. i said "i want to say yes, but i just don't know." i started crying because that was NOT the answer i wanted to give! how lame of an engagement story would that be! i had wanted this and i had given adam every indication that i would say yes. what was wrong with me now that i was so hesitant? i had told him before all of this that i may have doubts and fear of committment because of my parents, so he knew that walking in. i'm sure though that he wasn't expecting that on our engagement day. he was sooo wonderful though... patient, understanding, and calmly reassured me that he will patiently wait till i was certain. we discussed my doubts, the what-ifs, and he reassured me that he had prayed about it and was confident that this was right. he assured me that he is committed to loving me no matter what changes, and that the reason he wanted to propose now despite the uncertainty was so that i would be able to go home knowing that He is committed to me and behind me 100% of the way. we prayed together and after a little more dialogue, i realized that my fears were unfounded and that it would be the same at that moment or later... that it is about a choice and committment. no one knows for certain what tomorrow will hold, but for now, we are choosing to love one another and commit to one another the best we know how.
so it wasn't storybook... but it was perfect. the surprise caused me to not have a "ready" answer... which allowed us to talk honestly through doubts and fears and uncertainties. God has blessed me with a man who seeks after Him and knows how to love me and encourage me to communicate with him. i am truly blessed to have him in my life. in adam's own words...
isn't he just wonderful? and he's right... our relationship began dependent on Him and it will only succeed as we continue to depend on Him entirely. it is truly exciting to see what the Lord will do. there are still many questions that are unanswered -- do we stay in chicago? move to stockton? where do we have the wedding? when do we have the wedding? -- but that's ok. God will reveal those answers in His time. we just have to keep making sure that we are looking to Him for direction.
i've always found this proverb to be interesting "... under three things the earth quakes, and under four, it cannot bear up; under a slave when he becomes a king, and a fool when he is satisfied with food, under an unloved woman when she gets a husband, and a maidservant when she supplants her mistress." prov 30:21-23. i'm still not sure what that means, but i think the earth quaked on saturday.
... today, i am so thankful for God's provision to me in adam and for showing me that He must remain the center of our relationship. as much as i love adam, i know that only God can give me certainty and direct my path. it is so good to know that He never changes.
(5) comments
and a fiance.
yep.
adam proposed to me on my birthday. those of you who have known me for a while might be shreaking with joy. you've probably thought the day would never come. me either. our entire relationship has been a fairytale come true. its a bit ironic and anticlimatic that the "engagement" story wasn't storybook-like. but as it stands, it is the perfect engagement for me.
as you have read with the previous entry, there is a lot of uncertainty with my life. my mom had been diagnosed with cancer, i don't have a job in decemember and all seems to be pointing to the fact that i should move back to california. all of these things weighed heavily on my heart and i really wasn't sure how all of it will work itself out. a few weeks ago, i thought that it would be so perfect to get engaged on my birthday, but as the day approached with all the "news" that just landed, i started worrying and wondering if this was the right thing to do.
on saturday morning, adam comes over to my place with my favorite flower and a birthday gift. it was a digital camera i've been eyeballing for a little while. i felt a twinge of disappointment and relief thinking that since i got a camera for my birthday, that i probably wouldn't be getting a ring as well. i was relieved because with all of the stressors going on, i didn't know how i would respond if he were to ask me that day.
we went to evanston, a nice little town a bit north of chicago with a nice view of the city. we had been there before so i didn't think anything of it. we climbed onto some big rocks overlooking the city line and the day was absolutely perfect. the weather was georgous and everything was idyllic. the moment we paused on the rock, he drops to his knees and asked, "will you marry me?" i was so taken aback by the question that i was silent. i said "i want to say yes, but i just don't know." i started crying because that was NOT the answer i wanted to give! how lame of an engagement story would that be! i had wanted this and i had given adam every indication that i would say yes. what was wrong with me now that i was so hesitant? i had told him before all of this that i may have doubts and fear of committment because of my parents, so he knew that walking in. i'm sure though that he wasn't expecting that on our engagement day. he was sooo wonderful though... patient, understanding, and calmly reassured me that he will patiently wait till i was certain. we discussed my doubts, the what-ifs, and he reassured me that he had prayed about it and was confident that this was right. he assured me that he is committed to loving me no matter what changes, and that the reason he wanted to propose now despite the uncertainty was so that i would be able to go home knowing that He is committed to me and behind me 100% of the way. we prayed together and after a little more dialogue, i realized that my fears were unfounded and that it would be the same at that moment or later... that it is about a choice and committment. no one knows for certain what tomorrow will hold, but for now, we are choosing to love one another and commit to one another the best we know how.
so it wasn't storybook... but it was perfect. the surprise caused me to not have a "ready" answer... which allowed us to talk honestly through doubts and fears and uncertainties. God has blessed me with a man who seeks after Him and knows how to love me and encourage me to communicate with him. i am truly blessed to have him in my life. in adam's own words...
sigh."and i think because His power is made perfect in weakness, our engagement day was
'perfect'. it's a great example of our love-triangle relationship. : ) if it was
perfect between us, not including doubt or some form of us-originated weakness,
we wouldn't have been including the Lord as much, recognizing our dependence on
Him."
isn't he just wonderful? and he's right... our relationship began dependent on Him and it will only succeed as we continue to depend on Him entirely. it is truly exciting to see what the Lord will do. there are still many questions that are unanswered -- do we stay in chicago? move to stockton? where do we have the wedding? when do we have the wedding? -- but that's ok. God will reveal those answers in His time. we just have to keep making sure that we are looking to Him for direction.
i've always found this proverb to be interesting "... under three things the earth quakes, and under four, it cannot bear up; under a slave when he becomes a king, and a fool when he is satisfied with food, under an unloved woman when she gets a husband, and a maidservant when she supplants her mistress." prov 30:21-23. i'm still not sure what that means, but i think the earth quaked on saturday.
... today, i am so thankful for God's provision to me in adam and for showing me that He must remain the center of our relationship. as much as i love adam, i know that only God can give me certainty and direct my path. it is so good to know that He never changes.
(5) comments
Friday, October 14, 2005
storm arriving faithfully after the calm...
life is good. things have been smooth sailing with adam... almost too smooth, if you ask me. you know... its like that uncomfortable calm before the storm. you know that its inevitable (as much as i'm trying not to be pessemistic...)
the beginning storm clouds arrived yesterday. thankfully, not in the form of direct trials in our relationship. unfortunately, its the failing health of my mother. my mom has been diagnosed with cancer -- colon for sure, and maybe liver and pancreas. they will find out more after the surgery that is scheduled for 7:30 monday morning. please pray for her. she's a strong woman and i know that she finds favor in the sight of God. i just pray that she would not suffer too much pain during this process.
and for me... well. there are a lot of decisions to be made. i found out a few weeks ago that my job here in chicago (which was the only think keeping me here) will be ending in december. but now, i have a condo and a boyfriend which complicates things. i'm so thankful for a strong relationship that allows me the confidence to do what i need to do to support and care for my mom, but it is also a strange thought to leave adam behind. while i'm confident that God will not give us more than we can handle, it is still not easy. please pray that God would give us wisdom to know how best to handle this situation and that He would continue to strengthen our relationship in Him.
its kinda crazy to see everything unfolding, but God's timing is perfect. in each thing... finding out a few weeks ago about my job... to knowing a bit more certainly where things are with me and adam last weekend... to hearing about my mom... to possibly finding a subletter and work in california. i know that He does all things for the good of those who love Him and are called according to His purpose.
... today, i'm thankful for His provision in the way He times things and gently leads each step of the way...
(1) comments
life is good. things have been smooth sailing with adam... almost too smooth, if you ask me. you know... its like that uncomfortable calm before the storm. you know that its inevitable (as much as i'm trying not to be pessemistic...)
the beginning storm clouds arrived yesterday. thankfully, not in the form of direct trials in our relationship. unfortunately, its the failing health of my mother. my mom has been diagnosed with cancer -- colon for sure, and maybe liver and pancreas. they will find out more after the surgery that is scheduled for 7:30 monday morning. please pray for her. she's a strong woman and i know that she finds favor in the sight of God. i just pray that she would not suffer too much pain during this process.
and for me... well. there are a lot of decisions to be made. i found out a few weeks ago that my job here in chicago (which was the only think keeping me here) will be ending in december. but now, i have a condo and a boyfriend which complicates things. i'm so thankful for a strong relationship that allows me the confidence to do what i need to do to support and care for my mom, but it is also a strange thought to leave adam behind. while i'm confident that God will not give us more than we can handle, it is still not easy. please pray that God would give us wisdom to know how best to handle this situation and that He would continue to strengthen our relationship in Him.
its kinda crazy to see everything unfolding, but God's timing is perfect. in each thing... finding out a few weeks ago about my job... to knowing a bit more certainly where things are with me and adam last weekend... to hearing about my mom... to possibly finding a subletter and work in california. i know that He does all things for the good of those who love Him and are called according to His purpose.
... today, i'm thankful for His provision in the way He times things and gently leads each step of the way...
(1) comments
Friday, October 07, 2005
so i married off yet another roommate...
on october 1, 2005, sara ehlinger became sara hyun, wife of peter hyun...
are they just precious? thankfully, it was not nearly as difficult as i had imagined. sara has been a wonderful roommate and friend for the past few years, and God had brought her along at the perfect time to encourage and come along side of me. there has been so many transitions in the last few years and while they are at times remarkably difficult, God has always sovereignly provided what i needed at the perfect time. even though there are more changes coming down the pike, God has ever so graciously provided me with a man who has been ever the constant friend and loves me just as i am.
aren't we cute? :o)
i know i know... barf. i'm just so thankful for a relationship that i can count on and one that i know is blessed by God. changes may continue to come, but i KNOW i can look to God to provide and be my guidance.... come what may. i just want to be faithful to this truth and rely on Him no matter what life may throw me next.
(1) comments
on october 1, 2005, sara ehlinger became sara hyun, wife of peter hyun...
are they just precious? thankfully, it was not nearly as difficult as i had imagined. sara has been a wonderful roommate and friend for the past few years, and God had brought her along at the perfect time to encourage and come along side of me. there has been so many transitions in the last few years and while they are at times remarkably difficult, God has always sovereignly provided what i needed at the perfect time. even though there are more changes coming down the pike, God has ever so graciously provided me with a man who has been ever the constant friend and loves me just as i am.
aren't we cute? :o)
i know i know... barf. i'm just so thankful for a relationship that i can count on and one that i know is blessed by God. changes may continue to come, but i KNOW i can look to God to provide and be my guidance.... come what may. i just want to be faithful to this truth and rely on Him no matter what life may throw me next.
(1) comments
Wednesday, September 21, 2005
are we as humans and sinners, always going to allow circumstances to dictate our joy? i wish this were not the case. i wish somehow that i had the tenacity to be able to look past my immediate situation and see God's hand in all of this.
changes loom and while adam has been a wonderfully enjoyable distraction from it all, those unpleasant changes are still a reality. how am i suppose to think and plan ahead with so many uncertainties in my life? do i look for a job that will pay more or a job that will make me happy? do i sit and wait for something to happen or do i go and make something happen? sitting and waiting is so difficult. its even more difficult when the path of waiting isn't a pleasant one.
i've always been encouraged by the way God has taken care of me in terms of my career and finances. i remember thinking at one point, "well God, i don't need stability in THAT area of my life, i just want stability in a relationship, that's all...." perhaps God is "answering" that with this situation. things with adam are great, but the reality of life and the responsibilities that come along with life will have to be dealt with at one point or another. the romantic in me wants to believe that love is all that matters but i guess what i'm currently experiencing is that there is a lot more to it then that, unfortunately. what will all of that look like?
i've "gotten" what i've always wanted in adam and now even that's not enough? i want to know that everything will work out. finances, job, etc. everything. i know that there's something really wrong with that way of thinking and i need to not think that way.
why does everything have to be figured out? maybe so i can "rest." but shouldn't that rest be found in my Lord? just like i need to rest in Him in my singleness and loneliness, i need to rest on Him in these uncertainties, knowing that He will in His infinite wisdom work it out in His timing. i know this to be the truth. can i live like i believe it?
... today, i'm thankful that God is immutable, that while situations all around me can change, He will never change. His soveriegnty is over all things and if nothing else, i can still trust that.
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changes loom and while adam has been a wonderfully enjoyable distraction from it all, those unpleasant changes are still a reality. how am i suppose to think and plan ahead with so many uncertainties in my life? do i look for a job that will pay more or a job that will make me happy? do i sit and wait for something to happen or do i go and make something happen? sitting and waiting is so difficult. its even more difficult when the path of waiting isn't a pleasant one.
i've always been encouraged by the way God has taken care of me in terms of my career and finances. i remember thinking at one point, "well God, i don't need stability in THAT area of my life, i just want stability in a relationship, that's all...." perhaps God is "answering" that with this situation. things with adam are great, but the reality of life and the responsibilities that come along with life will have to be dealt with at one point or another. the romantic in me wants to believe that love is all that matters but i guess what i'm currently experiencing is that there is a lot more to it then that, unfortunately. what will all of that look like?
i've "gotten" what i've always wanted in adam and now even that's not enough? i want to know that everything will work out. finances, job, etc. everything. i know that there's something really wrong with that way of thinking and i need to not think that way.
why does everything have to be figured out? maybe so i can "rest." but shouldn't that rest be found in my Lord? just like i need to rest in Him in my singleness and loneliness, i need to rest on Him in these uncertainties, knowing that He will in His infinite wisdom work it out in His timing. i know this to be the truth. can i live like i believe it?
... today, i'm thankful that God is immutable, that while situations all around me can change, He will never change. His soveriegnty is over all things and if nothing else, i can still trust that.
(0) comments
Wednesday, September 07, 2005
yesterday marked the "official" third month of the most pleasant reality i have lived to date. as i was walking with adam through the tunnel to the beach, i glanced over at him and jokingly said, "maybe i'm in a coma since i still have not woken up from this very pleasant dream yet." sometimes i still have a difficult time resting on the reality of this blessing. i think the reason it is so amazing is because it IS real. perhaps it is my arrogance and the arrogance of poets and thinkers to think that what they can conjure up in their minds is better than reality. this is the first time i've ever thought of it that way, but it's true. as if my God cannot give me a reality that He has dreamt up better than one that is in my mind. what audacity.
... and when i say you are better than my dreams, this is what i mean.
i have never loved reality
more than i love it now
the reality of you is better
than any potential i could
have conjured up in my mind.
previously
i have been wary of
all things tangible
for fear of disappointment
and how it competes with
the images of perfection
in my mind.
for once
it is safe to say that
what you are is far better
(and more real)
than the images in my mind
and the poetic nostalgia
of shelley's ideals
how the actualized is always a failure
in comparison to the potential is false.
perhaps he has never experienced the
blessing of love and the bliss of mutual delight
a satisfaction of body, mind, and soul
all wrapped up in the tangible package of you.
i love the reality of you
... today, i'm thankful that my God blesses with reality... with tangibility. and what He desires and wills to give is indeed better than what we could ever ask for or imagine.
(1) comments
... and when i say you are better than my dreams, this is what i mean.
i have never loved reality
more than i love it now
the reality of you is better
than any potential i could
have conjured up in my mind.
previously
i have been wary of
all things tangible
for fear of disappointment
and how it competes with
the images of perfection
in my mind.
for once
it is safe to say that
what you are is far better
(and more real)
than the images in my mind
and the poetic nostalgia
of shelley's ideals
how the actualized is always a failure
in comparison to the potential is false.
perhaps he has never experienced the
blessing of love and the bliss of mutual delight
a satisfaction of body, mind, and soul
all wrapped up in the tangible package of you.
i love the reality of you
... today, i'm thankful that my God blesses with reality... with tangibility. and what He desires and wills to give is indeed better than what we could ever ask for or imagine.
(1) comments
Friday, July 22, 2005
so... here are some pics of me and my honey :o) don't we look sappy-happy? i just felt like trying out the new photo function... and maybe make some of you naseous. :o)
i'm taking off for poland on sunday for 3 weeks... if you think of me please pray for me! i'll keep you all posted on the scoop.
(2) comments
